Hyperbolize

2009-10-13T21:53:00.002+08:00

Moved to another blog. I wanted to hide some things.

2009-10-12T17:36:00.003+08:00

What perfect time for me to be in denial. What perfect time.

Dusts settling

2009-09-01T04:06:00.004+08:00

So I gave myself a grace period. It was, after all, what I really needed.

Aivan finally came back from Indonesia and brought me and my brother some spices. Neat!

She came to my pad for a nice little chat. Random friends of ours from different circles dropped by and gave our long due important conversation some intervals. While discussing about our future in business and fixing this laptop, we sneaked in some kwentos of interesting events that happened to us while we were apart.

I felt techie-r now that I have somehow mastered "reformatting". Yes, after having so many friends doing the job for me. It wasn't that hard after all. I felt like I outsmarted Bill Gates. Good for me but bad for his business.

---

It was my first time to write a letter to someone in years. By that I meant handwritten. I did it while he was asleep.

I had to confess about something I felt that he should know. Being too honest has always been an issue to me. Sometimes I self-destruct by being too irrationally righteous.

What could that confession make him feel now that, let's assume, he read it?

Solved

2009-08-23T18:33:00.009+08:00

A visual representation of what I trully feel right now. This is me, not knowing what I want.

Nothing seemed to have fulfilled me since thesis defense and graduation. I did a couple of things to make a few steps forward, like learning how to use Dreamweaver. But that's it. I haven't published a website.

I tried not to idle around by applying for jobs and create and recreate my portfolio. I took care of the bills and other transactions. I took a few pictures, helped organize a mass for a friend who passed away, kept my personal space clean and made peace with someone who I used to loathe. It was, technically, a list of accomplishments. If I was paid to such tasks, I would probably earn enough to pay a month's worth of rent and bills.

Stefan Sagmeister told us about the differences between (among? in?) job, career and calling during his presentation at Graphika.

Job- it could be anything that you to earn money
Career-something that you love doing/are very passionate of and you get paid for doing it;
Calling-something that you do with or without pay

So I contemplated over the things that I love doing and the things I've always been good at. After giving myself a few weeks, I realized that I didn't want to have just a job. And if by job I meant working in a dull office space, the whole job hunting thing at jobstreet was a total waste of time.

I made a list of the kind of things I've always been interested at, course related or not:

1. Graphic Design
2. Industrial Design
3. Barista in a coffee shop, doesn't have to be Starbucks. Lol!
4. Learn how to play violin and be part of an orchestra
5. Photography
6. Be an environmental activist (it's something that you may not know); contribute what I can to help them mobilize

I wanted to try them all to see where I really fit in. My ever so supportive parents approved my plans. :)

I will apply for a part time job, an apprenticeship or volunteer on each to figure out which of things in the list that I will want to pursue. Money is not that much of a problem, so earning just a small amount will not kill me. Better have something than nothing.

Plus Aivan will be back from Indonesia by weekend (I think). We will most likely meet on Monday and discuss further about the business we were planning.

Manila Design Week

2009-08-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

A lot of cool things happened though I missed the talk on Creative Collaboration.

Thursday. Met up with friends and went gallery hopping in the Metro--all of whic were part of Manila Design Week. My friends and '05 batchmates had some pieces in the exhibits and if it weren't for them, I'd probably not go. Pictures are in my Facebook.

Friday. I planned to stay at home and condition myself for an 8 hour conference but Bitoy invited me to drink at Mogwai with the rest of the Crew so I ended up drinking a couple of bottles, after which I couldn't put myself to sleep.

Saturday. Went to Graphika Manila by myself. Saw some FA friends but they were with some other friends so I decided to go sit alone at the back which I realized was wrong because I couldn't read the slides properly.

I didn't sleep the night before so I drank a strong cup of coffee before the event started. Still, I felt sleepy during the conference and fought hard to stay awake. Apparently strong caffeine doesn't work for me now.

I didn't bring camera thinking that 1.) the theater's going to be too dark for taking pictures and flash would distract others and 2.) I would be sitting somewhere at the back--somewhere out of my lens' reach 3.) I didn't feel safe bringin a huge DSLR with me while commuting.

So there, no camera for me. Other people brought cameras with them and took a lot of pictures--with FLASH! And I was right, too much flash in the theater was distracting. I couldn't concetrate that much seeing flashes everywhere.

Local artists showcased their portfolio first. Sadly, though, there was this one couple who apparently did not prepare for the the event and flirted with each other during their turn. There were a lot of uhm's, whatever's and puh-rang it's like you know's in their sentences which made it hard for anyone in the audience to believe that they've been doing talks in Graphika for years. I think it was very unprofessional of them, knowing that, apart from showcasing portfolio, the speakers were invited to the event to share how they worked they way up to the professional world. I was a bit disappointed on that part.

It was the foreign artists' turn to talk after lunch break. The program went uphill since then. They were amazing! Stefan Sagmeister IS a genius. He discussed about how design and happiness. By making a list of the things he did that made him happy, he found out that 50-70% of it involved design. He also came up with psychological analysis and pointed out to us that sometimes, people make big decisions with their subconcious minds.

Brand New School was a bit laidback but fun. The group started off with designing vectors which later learned motion graphic and film since they needed to adjust to their clients' needs. It was inspiring knowing that they had zero background on film when they started. They learned a new discipline and skills and got paid for it.

ILM made me love film even more. The speaker, Chirstian Alzmann, had a cool portfolio of characters, environment and 3d fx. He showed us some behind the scenes of the 3d's he made and the tedious process his team had to go through. I was like, yeah that's not the job for me... but impressive nonetheless.

Still couldn't remove the stamp. I'm branded for life.

Inside the loot bag.

After the event, I lined up to have my booklet signed to Ludo from Brand New School and Stefan Sagmeister. The lining up for autograph experience made the expensive ticket even more worth it. They made my day. :)

The artists inspired me to work even harder. Ideas and concepts for my business suddenly flowed out of my mind. I went home feeling even more hopeful about the business my friends and I were setting up.

Now I know what I want. I want to be like Sagmeister and Ludo. :)

Graphika Side Stories

2009-08-17T00:57:00.006+08:00

I couldn't put myself into blogging about Graphika Manila. I am still too overwhelmed to do that but here are some side stories I'd like to share.

1. After attending Graphika Manila, I was inspired to design more, even if no one requires me. I also planned to post things that inspires me in this blog starting tomorrow. I will post each time I find one and tell you why. It could be anything--a found object, a word, piece of literature, person, website, blog, photo, artwork and so on.

This should help me analyze my artistic journey, learn new skills and develop my style.

2. While most of the people attended Graphika Manila with their friends, I went to the conference solo. I saw some friends but chose to sit alone. It wasn't that bad. I never really planned to ask anyone to join me. For one, there were only 9 tickets left when I finally decided to go. For another, I didn't know anyone who'd be interested enough. I just hate inviting people. Normally, about 7 out of 10 of my invitations get declined. Some would back out a week before the event. Remember when 2 of my friends decided to sell their Incubus concert tickets to the people who aren't my friends?

I do feel like a loser at times but I got used to it. Sometimes I think it's better going to the movies and concerts alone coz that way I'll never have to worry about who to invite in case the my friends back out.

And I love being alone period.

3. The conference made me think of more ways to make Render Inc. (or Designs, my friends and I couldn't decide on the suffix yet)happen. I'm still working on the company logo. We're trying to come up with designs that will define our individual styles.

I made a mental note of the tips and tricks shared by the speakers in Graphika. I wrote them down on paper as soon as I reached home before they escape me. The talk helped a lot. I realized how much these artists and I had in common. Most of them didn't apply for a job in a big time agency/design firm--they started one! It really takes a lot passion, patience and of course, talent.

I'm becoming too eager about Render. I just can't wait for it start!

4. Another Saturday without *****! I was in the theater when he texted me and he was already at home after the conference. There's a long weekend coming up though. I hope we could schedule a date this week.

Possibilities

2009-08-13T08:22:00.005+08:00

Had another meeting with my business partners yesterday. Rowen, Tza and I met up at Long Island in UP for lunch around 5pm because afternoon is the new lunch time. I showed them a screenshot of the draft I made for our website and got positive feedbacks. We still haven't decided on the logo but we're working on it.

UP hasn't changed a bit, except for the new sidewalk and Enriquez's Fruit Store's new interior. That much I've noticed.

The meeting went on for hours and it was sort of intense. We were all sharing ideas on how we'd pull our business off. I made some rules and regulations regarding leave in case one of us gets sick or something. While writing the rules on paper, I listed down all the valid excuses I could think of and realized how old I am. I came up with sick leave, maternity leave, honeymoon leave and obligatory state visit leave(because I go to the States every year).

When making rules, one must consider all the possible situations the people might get themselves into. The set of rules must cover pretty much everything so they won't find loopholes. Sometimes not having a specific rule for something causes conflict among the members, so just to avoid it, I considered including even the silliest ones. Like getting married or pregnancy.

Well, what do you know? We're on our early 20's. We're all young and in love, except for me because sometimes I'm in hate. No pun intended.

It's funny when we discuss it now, knowing that our minds are concentrated mostly on career since we just graduated but we're headed to that direction, anyway. I think it's best for us to plan ahead even though it seems way too far from where we are right now. At least we'll know to do when things like that happen. It's hard to run a business when one of the members in the group suddenly decides to marry and pursue something else. I know for one that it's a lot different once you have a familiy.

My cousin told me that her mother married my tito when she was 21. I was like, wait, I'm 21 and I still haven't find someone to marry (or a boyfriend... boo!). a Beau. What? What boyfriend?

It makes me laugh... until I cry whenever I think about it. I never had a boyfriend and because of that, marriage and family barely crossed my mind. Come to think of it, I'm 21 and I never had a boyfriend. I'm 21 and I just can't get over with the fact that I was never in a relationship. Never. Not once.

I am seeing someone. I do enjoy the company but I'm not sure where we're going.

So, on with the pressure. For being jobless and loveless.

A Little Something For A Friend Who Passed Away

2009-08-09T00:17:00.011+08:00

You smiled the widest. You were happy for all of us. I hope that you're still wearing the same smile now that you're in heaven. In fairness, humarap ka sa camera ni Deo. Lol! Ang dami kasing cameras! :)

I'm not sure if this was the last time we saw each other. I remember seeing you randomly somewhere in school after graduation but we had no picture to prove that.

We held a mass for you. I took a few pictures.

Jaylo and Deo couldn't sing and play guitar properly. They were trying to hold back their tears. They all did a good job though.

We wrote messages and tied them to the balloons. Hope they reached you. :)

Two Old Friends...

2009-08-08T02:14:00.016+08:00

'Spent the whole day reading, trying to take my mind away from some things that were bugging me for the past week.

But before that, I was awaken by the chattering of my brother's guests. My beauty rest wasn't really disrupted. It was about time for me to wake up, so I didn't complain about the noise.

Anyway, some old friend suddenly found me in Facebook. We were close back in grade school but eventually grew apart.

So I added her as a friend, thinking that we should keep in touch. After a while, she wrote on my wall a message that I could not quite comprehend right away because of her spelling.

Her: amuxtah?
Me: (finally understood what she was saying after 5 seconds--that's quite slow) ayos lang :)
Her: noh digitzx' mOh? yOsi guRL kn rn aah...hihi

OH MY GOD! I could already tell that she'd be one of those who'd spam my Facebook and phone inbox with quotes and amuxtah-na-u's, so naturally, I didn't give her my number and told her politely that I was busy entertaining guests through Facebook IM.

I felt bad but I didn't regret not giving her my number either. I had enough of Facebook and forwarded sweet nothings from people who apparently had unlimited credits. It made me want to switch to Smart so they'd skip my number but that's a lot of hassle. I didn't feel like going through adjustments and announcing to everyone about my new number. It's easier to ignore and erase.

In fairness to those who knew my number, some of them would send me jokes that would make my day. And and... my date would probably not text me as much if I went for Smart. Having a Globe number wasn't so bad.

Back to my old friend. We were out of touch for more than a decade and her finding me in Facebook was a surprise. I was excited at first. But after a short talk (which would have been shorter if she spelled her words correctly), I realized that how much we've missed and how much I'd rather not catch up. The excitement died down.

Of course, both of us were went through a lot of rollercoaster rides while we were away from each other and our experiences would have made a really good conversation. I would have understood why she spelled her words that way. Perhaps it was her new language that pushed me away even further. Ha ha! But the thing is, sometimes being apart makes me doubt a friend still catch up and feel for me the way he/she used to.

Often, I'd find myself ignoring some updates in Facebook, Multiply and Friendster. My Frienster and Multiply have been long dead. I would only check an update when tagged or if it's catchy enough, i.e Blah blah is now single or in a relationship with whoever. I'd only read about people who are currently close to me only because it's easier to understand with what they were all saying.

The advancement of technology has brought us even closer, that's given. But when you look at it, being virtually connected doesn't really bring us closer like we used to.

I wasn't like that last night, though. After a meeting at a hotel, my friend and I went to Tomato Kick for a few bottles of beer. Another friend came and I haven't seen him for a long time. We weren't the type who'd exchange personal stuff and reach out deeper into each other but since we were sorta through about general topics like Cory Aquino's life story, I asked him about how he's been. Without hesitation, he opened up about something that he experienced recently. He told me that he'd tell me some stuff no one else knew because he needed to hear from someone who barely knew him and the other character of the story. I was all ears like a true friend and gave him unbiased inputs. He asked if he could swim in my place on Sunday. I said, sure.

I could be really inconsistent sometimes. There are things that I could do for someone that I couldn't do for others. Perhaps I do have favorites, double-standards and biases. Perhaps it's all because of timing. It may sound bad but I think it's perfectly natural for someone to be chosy sometimes.

Some Things That I Don't Get

2009-08-07T04:19:00.002+08:00

(got from Dittle's Facebook)

No one in their right mind would have considered campaigning during a funeral.

Gaaah!

2009-08-05T21:56:00.005+08:00

I went through a lot of reformatting, transferring, disk cleaning, virus scanning, installing and uninstalling just to save this laptop only to discover that all my vector illustrations and graduation pictures disappeared along with the viruses. It probably happened during the process... es.

Gotta start from scratch. :(

Well, at least it's virus free and the disc space is now big enough for new designs, photos, MP3's and movies. Plus, I bought a 250gig external hard drive to back up all the necessary files I need for work and whatnots.

---

My twitter is now active again. Add me if you want: mortalwombat.

---

I don't feel like going out these days. Home is ♥.

Farewell, My Friend

2009-08-01T16:36:00.013+08:00

1. You and Aya reminded me of romantic Korean series, which I honestly thought was cute. I mean, how often do you find a couple riding a bike everyday to school these days?

So you moved to Canada, surprised us with a visit last summer, went back to Canada and now you're gone for good. We drank a couple of times together during your visit. You were always game. Always smiling. Always cheerful. Seeing you so happy assured us that everything was fine. Never thought that you had so much pain deep inside.

2. I was amazed by your remarkable patience and passion for someone but ending it once and for all was beyond me. It must have really hurt, considering the lengths you took. Perhaps eternal peace was all you needed.

These two memories made my days surreal. How often do we find encounter like you? How often do we hear that kind of news? You do have your own unique way of making people remember you.

P.S

Moby and I will bathe, brush and feed Nyak-nyak for you. That's the least thing I could do for a friend. We love you always! :)

Wow. Just wow.

2009-07-31T05:54:00.005+08:00

This piece of furniture was delievered about a month ago. I have always wanted one of these bed bunk slash desk.

My first ever mini-studio.

I spend more or less half of the day here since its arrival and half of the day either at the dining table or outside the house.

My friends got this Tubero Ding signage for me a few years ago. Tubero Ding is probably wondering by now why no one is calling him.

Some of my collections of notebooks and CD's. The blue album is my scrapbook. I put pretty much anything that inspires me that fits in postcard-size pockets.

This is the stairway (fine, it's technically a ladder) to dreamland.

I slept there once, I woke up sweating like a pig. I have yet to install a wall fan on the wall (duh) across it. My mom told me to sleep on the sofa when drunk or sick.

I bought a 250gig external hard drive for my 100,000,000 files. I fought the urge to peal the plastic.

Meet Gore, my alter-ego. I wear it on dates and on business meetings with clients. Right, I was kidding. I bought two of these masks and gave the other one to Tipay. She wanted us to wear these on Lantern Parade. We looked for gorilla masks all over the metro during Christmas and didn't find one, so we ended up buying gas masks and ski masks instead. I went to Indonesia to visit my parents after Lantern parade and found a gazillion of these. So there. That's the history of our masks.

I finally had the time to take pictures of these priceless possessions. I could not decide which among them is my favorite.

Flat Broke

2009-07-27T07:43:00.004+08:00

This is the reason why I am currently flat broke. Graphika Manila is a graphic design conference featuring foreign and local artists. There are only about 50 tickets left, so I will purchase a ticket today and starve myself for the entire week. Luckily, I still have about a week supply of Nesvita, two cans of tuna, a can of soup and a 4 chicken breasts. That will do. No more Double Vanilla Tea Latte for me this week--unless you guys treat me. Ehem ehem!

---

No job interview scheduled this week so far. Not a word from the companies who interviewed me a two weeks ago. It felt kinda sad that some of my batchmates were hired almost immediately after graduation. How did they do that?

On the second thought, though, being unemployed gave me the opportunity to work on an old plan which I was not able to pursue during thesis days. The plan was to set up a small photography and post-editing business with my dear friends Aivan, Rowen and Tza.

We saw each other last Saturday at FA for Mang Danny's benefit concert. Instead of watching, we took the opportunity to discuss and iron out the plan that we had. Since none of us were employed, we agreed to work on our soon-to-be business fulltime.

I came up with a business name last year and brought it up to them. They thought it was catchy, witty and very Pinoy. Everyone agreed to use it. *I will not mention the company name until it's registered in the city hall because I know someone who rips off ideas.*

Anyway, our impromtu meeting ended up after about an hour of not so serious but fruitful discussion. To expedite the whole process, we agreed to make a logo and meet up again on Tuesday to finalize and determine what to do next.

I spent the entire Sunday conceptualizing and doodling. I used to think that logo was never my forte but strangely, I was able to come up with 3 different designs in about an hour. The concept basically just flowed out of me and on to the paper.

It's a good sign, I guess. Coming up with designs the moment I need them seldomly happen to me. Perhaps I am really better off working freelance rather than in an office.

My dad told me that job hunting shouldn't be rushed. I took his word for it and explored my field of expertise more. I contemplated over the lists of my strengths and weaknesses and tried to imagine what it would be like if I work in the office. It would not kill me to hold job hunting for some time, especially now that I have my friends to share (and pursue!) my plans with... oh wait, it's not only my plan now, it's our common goal! Yikee!

I feel optimistic about our plan. We have known each other for years now and we've worked as groups in school before. Aivan and I shared a few sidelines already. We will make a good team, I'm sure of that.

I hope this will work out fine! :p

Feeling Lucky

2009-07-25T01:53:00.008+08:00

My days happened just like in the movies: the come back of a certain character from the past; struggles in keeping up with the fast-paced city life and in keeping up with my fast-paced mind; crashing and burning... and so on. Let's not forget about the occassional bloopers, the unglamorous eye infection (aka kuliti) and the stupid foot injury as comic relief.

And that's not all. My laptop was dying slowly, delaying my personal projects. Perhaps I should consider myself lucky that it could still process some small Word files and Internet. I didn't seem to have luck in job hunting as well. Boo!

But last night...

I was feeling lucky last night!

I just sent my CV to NATGEO online. I knew for a fact that there were gazillions of other jobless people out there who applied and they're most likely crossing the their fingers, praying hard (perhaps even harder than I did), and daydreaming about what would it be like to work in NATGEO. Some maybe more qualified than I am but trying my luck wouldn't decrease the odds.

Dear Ms Bernice Beltran,

Thank you for submitting your application for
employment with National Geographic. If your skills and qualifications match the
requirements of the position, a representative from National Geographic will
contact you. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of resumes that we receive,
we are not able to speak to or meet with everyone. Once a position has been
filled, it will be removed from our website.

Good luck and thank you for
your interest in National Geographic. Your online resume has been successfully
submitted to the 3881-Researcher, Photo position.
Human Resources, National Geographic

My resume in their database, their HR's email in my inbox--half of my life-long dream is now fulfilled. Hi hi hi hi! :)

Just Another Sunday Post

2009-07-19T20:10:00.005+08:00

This week has been busy and I couldn't be more thankful that it will be over hours from now.

Went to 2 job interviews, both in Makati. The first job interview was in Renaissance Hotel with some forenjerz who are planning to set up a BPO of artists.

Janzen and Ciela accompanied me to the hotel since we were sorta suspicious about the company at first. The person who contacted me did not mention/forgot to mention what his company's name was. Better safe than sorry. I had to put Ciela's number on speed dial, you know, just in case.

It turned out that the company has been working with big time clients in the States and the guys who interviewed me were the owners. They have a branch in Hong Kong and now they're planning to expand here in the Philippines. It was the only company I've encountered which were kind enough to lavish their prospective applicants with exquisite hotel food and beverages. I think ya'll companies out there looking for new employees should do the same. Lol!

I was feeling nervous during the whole interview, which was weird. I have never felt that way before but apparently, those forenjerz intimidated me. They were, to be honest, too laidback judging by the clothes that they wore when they interviewed me. They brought an intern with them--coooooool! I mean, how often do you find interns travelling around the world with their bosses? Or maybe it was just my school didn't have that kind of program.

The forenjerz were kind. I showed them my portfolio and heard a wow for the first time in my history of job hunting. It's something that I don't normally get.

I had to rush back to QC for my Dreamweaver class right after the interview so I was not able to feast on the free hotel food they provided us with.

I wasn't sure if I answered their questions correctly but it was only after I left when the "better answers" came into my mind. Normally I do background research on the companies, prepare some ready-made answers and practice in front of the mirror the night before but since my contact didn't mention his company's name in the email, I had no choice but to be "honest". Lol!

In this experience, I realized that I'm the type who'd go about my mundane life with plans, routines and goals. Spontaneity isn't just my true nature. I would be spontaneous only when I have extra time/room to make for one in case I screwed up. Normally, the risks I took were calculated.

I made mistakes and always made sure that I learned from it because, yes, I was never the type who'd just let it go. Perhaps it was my insecurity that have brought me to this kind of mentality. I don't see the point why I should be perfect in everything that I do either but it often felt that way.

Well, that's just me being anxious again.

The other job interview was boring. The company asked me the same questions thrice--from HR to senior artist and the big boss. Don't they take notes or something?

---

Yesterday, jerk guy asked me if I wanted to watch Harry Potter 6 with him but I woke up really late so I wasn't able to read his message right away. It was raining so hard so we had to raincheck but the storm didn't last until around 3. I texted him if he still wanted to go out and this happened:

Me: uy, wala ng ulan. gusto mo pa tumuloy?
Jerk: ayaw na?
Me: bakit naman?
Jerk: tagal mo magreply.
(okay so I was bitchy and irrational)
Me: ngek. fine, madami naman nagyayaya sakin manuod ng HP6.
(shouldn't have said that, I sounded like a loser)
Jerk: edi dun ka sa iba.
Me: oo nga.
Jerk: okay, enjoy.
Me: yes i will.

I AM SUCH A LOOOOSSSAAAAR!

2009-07-17T22:14:00.012+08:00

Often I find myself tied in your prejudice. I cannot blame you for looking at me this way. You have seen me in my worst drunken state but don't you think I have still a room for changes? Whatever makes you think that I am hopeless?

Perhaps it was because of our fight that we lost, not just contact, but hope and trust for each other. You were not able to witness me grow and mature. See, I spent most of the time finishing my thesis and other academical requirements which enable me to get the attention of some big time ad agencies and even though I wasn't chosen to work for them, it's an achievement nonetheless. Job hunting and portfolio building kept me sane and preoccupied that I almost forgot about how broken I was with you. In my opinion, having hang ups is just perfectly normal.

I'm not one who'd replace a jerk with a good date or something. Some people think that it's the only way to get over with failed relationships. But seriously, it should not really be that way. I always believed that true happiness is found within one's self.

That one thing you find pleasing is superficial. I pity you for being so shallow. And excuse me for saying this, but what you just said prove me how much worthless you are. There is nothing wrong in finding comfort in having you around. I just hate ignoring or avoiding people because of some stupid fight that I had with them. You should consider yourself lucky to that you messed with someone like me.

Life lessons aren't nessecarily learned from school or other's wise teachings. Sometimes we learn them from encountering idiots like you. The stupider you are to me, the smarter I get. You can always claim to be the winner in this fight but really, I'm just letting you win because I don't need you to see how much I'm ahead of you.

I will give you the liberty to do what you think is wise. If you think what you're doing is fair and reasonable, then I will raise my white flag.

So we still ain't resting our case...

2009-07-13T03:44:00.003+08:00

Why...

This higher force or cosmic whatever sure knows how to keep me busy. More than 3 months of doing nothing could have driven me insane but lots of things happen even when I'm not around; even when I'm not moving.

My theory is that, when you're older, you'll meet people who are experiencing problems worst than yours. Well, at least for my case. My parents would censor adult related problems to me. Ignorance was blissful but I think a little chaos and pain could do us all some good once in a while.

---

Oh the only reason why I never went out on a date with other guys because I could already tell we're not going to look cute together. You happen to be someone of my age and closer to what I think would look cute next to me. But what you did to me was definitely NOT CUTE. It was horrible... and it was partly my bad.

I remember this day when my friend and I were talking over YM about understanding people. Sometimes we try to understand, pretend to understand or were compelled to them when they make mistakes because we, too, were guilty of something, regardless of who we failed/wronged. Would that be considered insincere?

In my case, I was perfectly aware that I did something I felt was wrong to him that's why I was always ready to forgive and understand. Ehehe...

Still, what he did was uncalled for. Ergo, we're not done.

Inside My Head

2009-07-13T00:15:00.001+08:00

Open Letter

2009-07-11T22:57:00.004+08:00

Forgive me for not having everything that you're looking for in a girl. I may have a few things for you but I doubt you want them.

I would give anything to have you for a day so we could talk and know each other more but it just wouldn't happen. I tried when I shouldn't have been trying at all. You got what you want and left me. How could you be so cruel?

I learned, since then, that I shouldn't be expecting anything from you. I gave you what I thought was meant for you and I wouldn't be asking you to give them back. It's pointless. I didn't want to keep something that you returned. That would have reminded me of you more.

And so I reminded myself about the "Giving and Not Expecting Anything in Return Principle". People weren't really obliged to be kind to anyone but I didn't deserve a thorny treatment either.

I wonder what sort of epiphany you had that made you apologize to me. This time, I'd be really careful with my moves. I would be really really careful you'd think I never cared at all.

Forgiving you could be a sign that I'm still not over you but perhaps there wouldn't be any other time to do that. I guess I wouldn't like it either when someone denies my apology but just because you're forgiven doesn't mean we could hang out like the old times. We need to talk and settle things before moving on to the next... chapter? level? Whatever.

It's hard to trust you now but I must admit that I found comfort in having you back. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't be explaining anything to you. You were hardly interested in any of my business but I always had this feeling that I need to reach out. Perhaps I was afraid the fact/thought that maybe you were just using me; that maybe I was there to kill your time.

Why is our story always open ended? Alternatively, why did I let it be open ended? Why do you keep on coming back?

I think I'm beginnig to see the point why some people are paranoid.

Yes I Watched Too Much TV

2009-07-10T22:13:00.009+08:00

So last night, I accidentaly stepped on a sharp microscopic object and it pierced through my poor heel. Naturally, I did not panic but I struggled in figuring out how to get the thing off my foot. I was worrying if I could still make it to the 2 job interviews I was supposed to have this morning.

I tried picking on it for about 2 hours. My vision was starting to blur. It felt as though my eyes were going to fall of their sockets.

Normally, I would come across my tweezers while looking for some lost items but for some weird cosmic reason, I could not find it anywhere in my house last night. I used pretty much everything I found which I thought could help like hairpins, swiss knife and even pliers but it just won't come off!

I tried to cut the area where the thing punctured with nail clippers but it sorta (or maybe it was just my tired eyes) cut the areas adjacent to it. If it were thicker than hairline, I could have pulled it out without the help of those tools.

After about 20 minutes of straining on it, I felt it went off judging by the sound of the nail clippers' click. I touched the area where the evil little thing pierced and felt it was smooth. I put some weight over my injured heel while walking to check if it was really gone. For a while, I felt no pain or any sort of sensation in it.

I layed down to rest and tried to put myself to sleep but I was worrying that maybe a tiny part of it was still somewhere in my heel. I walked again to double check and it wasn't long after that when I felt a surge of pain. Finally panicking, I sat to check where exactly the pain was coming from. My heel felt smooth but it really hurt when I press it.

It was about 3 am. I had only 2 hours left to sleep so I decided to text the companies in the morning to resched. There's just no way I could commute with a foot like this.

I woke up around 9 am and attempted to cut my heel to bleed (emo daw ako sabi ni deo, yun lang sa talampakan ako naglalaslas). But I was too merciful. I did not want to hurt myself so I decided to pay someone to do it. Lol!

My plan was to visit a doctor but while running through a list of clinics in my head, I realized that most of the doctors here don't really do much help. They are too calm and they don't see how important my life is the way I do. See, I know it's only a stupid microscopic thing stuck or floating somewhere in me but the thing is, foreign objects stuck in the body could lead to infection, tetanus, extremely high fever, lockjaw and (wag naman sana) amputation.

Alright. So maybe I was overreacting. Perhaps I watch too much NatGeo and read too much RD's.

To keep me from becoming clinically insane (baka madagdagan pa ang sakit), I called Aivan and expressed my concern. Good thing she was in FA so I met up with her in UP Infirmary. Jay also came with her. Horray for great friends!

They parked the car and mocked me as we made our way to the ER. They're great friends, I tell you. While filling up the form, I realized that I was no longer a student of UP so I ticked "outsider", whereupon I received another round of mockery from my dear friends.

I never had a guardian since I entered college so for filling out's sake, I wrote my friends' names like this: Jay and Aivan Calanglang. Lol!

After filling out the form, the nurse told us to wait for the doctor. Jay went out to get his camera. Apparently they've been meaning to document that particular event of my life and post in Facebook. Sometimes friends have peculiar ways of cheering you up.

The nurse finally called me. I showed my not-so conspicious wound to the nurse and the doctor. There were no figure of authorities or whatsoever that had stopped my friends from taking pictures of the doctor examining and cleaning my foot. They even took close up shots of the wound! WTF!

The doctor did not perform any surgery. She told me that it was unnecessary and that the my body would naturally eject the foreign object. I was relieved. Hehe!

It was around 2pm when we left infirmary. The three of us bought take out lunch from Rodics and headed to FA. I haven't been to FA for months. Nothing much has changed there. I saw new faces. Well, it's not like seeing new faces in FA was ever new to me. People from different colleges would normally drop by at FA to exhaust our limitted supply of food and occupy all the chairs and parking slots. I think that's when the term "starving artists" was coined. You see, it's not that we don't have money to buy food. Non-artists just exhausted the food supply that was meant for us.

Anyway, after what seemed like an hour of gossiping and people watching, Aivan and I went home and went back to our own respective businesses. My high school friends texted me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with them. Unfortunately, I had to decline since I couldn't walk properly. Limping in the mall wouldn't be so glamorous. I'd rather stay home and read the graphic novel I just bought last Tuesday.

---

Next week is going to be legendary. I have 2 interviews. Hope I could make it.

Dream-like

2009-07-08T21:39:00.002+08:00

---

Why, I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened but we moved forward, didn't we? I guess I need to get myself used to surprises, just like this one.

I realized that my life will not always work out according to plan. My senses betrayed me many times now. Sometimes being too careful does not really help.

2009-07-08T00:50:00.003+08:00

I will come up with words. I will not avenge but I will write to you so you'll know how bad it was.

I don't know how long it will take us to realize what's good for us. Why we have to let everything go wrong to know what's right?

Forgiveness is divine but, please, we don't need to make the same mistake twice. Being hurt once was enough for me. I hope we'll be better this time. We will be good friends--friends, in the strictest sense. That's the best I can offer right now.

2009-07-07T12:59:00.002+08:00

I would not know which would hurt more; you explaining your side or keeping them all from me. I was always wondering about what it all was and what it all should be.

---

I think I have almost forgotten how it feels like to have someone who likes you back and the bliss that comes with it. My heart twists in pain as if it is trying to drain the last few remaining love that I have for him. I could feel it beating as it bleeds dry. How long this would take, I do not know.

---

In spite all these life changing events, however, I am still in doubt whether or not I have really improved my way of thinking. Has it gotten worse? Better? Have I been just trying to be good? Have I been praying for something out of selfish reasons?

I could actually commit a sin by praying. That was one thing I realized about asking something from God. Perhaps in those desperate times, I overlooked the fact that I wanted to be granted with something that I never really need; something that I have but was afraid to lose.

Consipiracy Theory

2009-07-06T00:30:00.009+08:00

Just got another pornographic MMS from someone I don't know and I am pretty sure it's not part of Globe's promotional campaign. This is not the first time it happened. What sort of pleasure do these people get from sending sneazy MMS to me? What's the point? What do you gain from wasting time, effort and load just on this?

Dear friends and frienemies, please be advised that my MMS is not activated. I would only receive notices of links, the password needed to retrieve the MMS myglobe website and the number of the sender each time you attempt to send one. I tried to view it to know who's in it but the website required me to download another RealPlayer, so I decided just close the window instead. I did not want to put too much effort on investigating something. Quoting Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl (he he!), there is no shame in giving up if the price is not worth it.

I am not bothered yet only because I have not seen the video. I wonder why people hack my accounts, text me and pretend that they're looking for textmates or send mysterious MMS to me. These things made me feel somehow important although I wasn't really sure if it's a good thing. I hate to admit but it's as if I'm one of the characters in Gossip Girl. See, I could only speculate by examining the events and the causalities. What did I do to deserve those? Why couldn't they confront me instead?

Anyway, I have far better things to do. I'm scheduled for 2 more job interviews and I will be attending 2 photoshoots and a crash course on HTML, CSS and Dreamweaver in Informatics. Who ever these conspirators are, I must say that they really succeeded in getting my attention but I would not waste my time to hunt them and involve myself further in such trouble. If it's an urgent matter, I believe that these people would know how to be mature and be civil about it. We are, after all, way past high school. Whatever I did before that might have compelled them to conspire against me, they could have just simply text me, identify themselves and tell me what I may have missed.

The fact is that I got over with my past dramas involving not just one, but many. If this should have anything to do with that (like I said, I am just speculating), sending sneazy MMS or hacking would not be a wise move. I mean, come on. You could all do better than that.

Job Hunting Drama

2009-07-03T01:14:00.004+08:00

Sometimes leftovers taste better and I mean literally. Don't be green minded. Lol!

---

Another job interview tomorrow but this time with a company that I really like. I was surprised that they contacted me since the cover letter that I wrote to them was sorta sucky. My resume does not really show that I am qualified coz what they were looking for really was an interior designer for their window displays.

I mentioned in my previous blogs (probably last month) that I was planning to study interior design after college. Well, the company mentioned in their ad that they will train their future Jr. Visual Merchandiser some interior designer stuff. I hope they'll pick me since I somehow had experiences in set designs. Maybe that could help me learn a few.

I would not know who else are in line for the interview tomorrow. I thought that perhaps knowing my rivals are would help me in figuring out what my unique selling points (or USP) are. But as a visual communications graduate, perhaps telling them that I am adept in Photoshop, Illustrator and Indesign. Although the "adept in Indesign" part is a lie, I could always learn how. All I need is to fix this virus-infested laptop, an installer and a couple of hours to do that. Piece of cake!

The things I do just to get a job. I have been making a corporate whore out of myself. Pimping to the extent of lying about being "always on time" and hardworking. Ha ha!

Anyway, back to my REAL USP. I grew up seeing my dad designing furniture and as someone who's into furniture like him and the rest of the family, he would bring Deo and I to furniture exhibits ~~around the world~~ in US, Indonesia and here in Manila to see his works and a lot more pieces of furniture designed by world renowned furniture designers. Deo and I developed a taste in that particular field of art.

I wouldn't know if interior design is an easy or hard job but I have been watching a lot of interior design shows in Lifestyle channel so maybe name-dropping some famous people in the shows would convince them how much I am into the job. HGTV, David Bromstad and Thom Filicia. I learned a lot from them and I'll definitely keep them in mind for tomorrow. Hah!

Upon reviewing their ad, I also found out that they need someone who has a background in marketing. Ahem... That's me again. Most of the subject in Viscom I took up in college has a lot to do with marketing that in fact, most of the people who graduated from that course ended up working in advertising.

Still, I feel nervous. Some of them are probably more experienced than I am. I am just trying my luck.

Of Being a Jobstreet Whore

2009-06-30T01:21:00.005+08:00

My plan was to spend a vacation somewhere in Asia and have some quiet time alone with my Moleskine and 2 baby cameras, Duke and Bub. Doing some personal travelogue could perhaps get me into working in a travel magazine or, God help me, National Geographic magazine. This just has to happen.

Asian Tour was just too expensive and impossible right now so I need to set that plan aside and proceed to plan B: get a 9-5 job.

The fact is that not every one here in the Philippines gets a job a few days after day they applied. I have to remind myself that I am not the only fish in the sea. I was not that competitive back in college. Passing and getting by has always been enough for me but the current situation calls for a more efforts on improving resume, writing job application essays and designing Portfolio Version 3.0.

I could not find anything to add to my resume. Sure, I got paid for photographing events a few times back in college, thanks to friends who know people who were in need of my humble service, but that was just it. The experience hardly filled the CV but it helped me elaborate my cover letter.

Receiving a reputable ad agency, even though I was not accepted (not getting a phone call for about a month now, that must be it, I think), gave me to aim higher. Passing the copy exam in Burnett for internship last summer and now getting Campaign's attention by nailing the thesis... I was almost there and it has always been like that. What is it that I did that made them decide not to hire me? I should find that out and do something about it.

Anyway, while looking for graphic design and photography job vacancies in the internet, I found a few interesting ones. There was this company in Portland who was looking for graphic artists here who could create concert posters. It is a project based, requiring the designer to produce upto 200 posters per month, 500 pesos per poster. Not a bad for me. I thought I should do everything that I could to add some more in the Work History portion of my resume. You know, just to be more qualified.

A freelance writer at essay.ph would also be perfect in case I got that poster-making job. That way, I would be just sitting at home doing my work and not spending my money on buying stored value cards. I could probably save up for a heavy duty computer for more poster-making and hopefully photo and video editing.

I haven't given up ad agencies, travel magazines and other fulltime graphic design or photography jobs completely. Going to the office isn't much of a problem, it's more of how to get it that I am little worried about. Maybe I should give it a few more weeks. The deadline for applying in the companies in Jobstreet hasn't ended yet and right now, I am hoping to get phone calls from Power Mac Inc. and Giordano Phil.

Again, wish me luck.

Moving Out, Moving On

2009-06-26T02:15:00.006+08:00

I was meaning to blog about Many Many Things but they all piled up in my folder unfinished, so here I am attempting to make a new one.

While offline, I spent my time reading books and fixing some pictures. I also took the time to sort out my stuff and got rid off those I didn't need anymore. We moved in to 608 about a month ago. The unit has a bigger space and windows. The view is not breathtaking but it's much better than having no view at all.

Moving out, to me, was a turning point. There was much in 1017 that I needed to leave behind or throw away. From material things to memories... Carrying all of them with me would be too heavy and tiring.

I could not help but reminisce while sorting out my stuff. I remember why I bought some of them. I remember who gave what and when. I also have forgotten some but what I did not understand was that why I was still keeping all of them.

I would not know how it feels like to live in one house in a life time. I grew up moving in and out, having 3 homes to go to each year that I got used to the idea of travelling light but everytime I stay in one home, I begin the same old habit of buying and keeping them all until I move out again.

I always thought the reason why 1017 always looked crowded was that it's small but that perception changed the moment I started sorting out. Things seemed to have secretly multilied their number while I was going through them. I never thought that deciding on which to keep and which to throw could be so hard that I had to use another box for those in pending case. Maybe I'll figure out what to do with them in the future. It takes time for certain things to lose or gain value.

On the second day of Moving Out, we hired some people to help us carry the big furnitures. Apparently, Deo and I were too excited to see how the new unit would look like when it's arranged and decorated so we stayed home all day working on it. We finished nearly everything around 8 pm and slept. Our friends came to visit us after a few days and spent the night over.

After moving in, Deo and I had to pack our bags and leave for Guam with our parents. We met up here in Manila and flew there together. Guam is just like Subic with all the Pinoys, Ateneans, MetroBank and SM. We hear people speaking in Filipino everywhere.

When we came home from Guam, I spent most of my time learning how to use Flash and fixing my Portfolio Version 3.0. I also passed CV's to companies online. I had to rent computers just to make it happen which was why my Multiply got hacked. That hacking incident did not bother me much. I just had to inform my contacts that was not me who made the sneazy posts. If there was one thing that I did not like about it was that the hacker changed my layout. Oh well...

Anyway, back to career building dilemmas. I gave up my hopes on Campaigns and Grey. The company did not call me after I passed Portfolio Version 2.0, so off to plan B: look for another company and improve portfolio. This time, I planned to make one that's cheaper but would probably take me a month to produce. I tried to refresh my Flash MX skills (it's cheaper and easier to burn a dozen copies of my portfolio rather than having them all printed) but they all seemed to have escaped me. Who could blame me? I never really had the chance and the facility to practice it. My computer would slow down or lag whenever I use the software. Self-studying a complicated software like Flash is not my forte. I need someone to teach me one on one because I am slow when comes to computer stuff.

After going through some online job advertisement, I found out that most of them companies require their applicants full knowledge in Flash and Dreamweaver. I still passed my resume hoping that I'd master those software by the time they schedule me for interviews. All in all, I think I gave away about 10 CV's and only got 2 interviews.

Of course, there were some events that caused delays. My grandmother, for instance, is currently bedridden and her condition worsens each time me and my mom visits her. I also had to work on some finishing touches in my new home. My bed-slash-working station arrived last week. I will take a picture my new homeand post here once it's done.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope one of the companies will contact me soon. If not, I think I'll have to enroll short courses on Flash and Dreamweaver just to have another reason to, you know, get out of the house, do someting new, learn more and meet new people. Wish me luck.

2009-06-02T02:53:00.003+08:00

My mom asked me to make her a Facebook account and teach her how to use it. I explained to her how it works but I was not able to tell her that she could play word games online. Maybe some other time. She was so thrilled about looking for her long lost college friends online.

Now, she wants me to make a Blogspot or Multiply account for her. She said she wants to blog about her thoughts and whatnots since she has not been writing about those kind of things for quite a long time. I didn't know that she was into writing before. 'Must have gotten that from her.

Being friends with her in Facebook is fine but having her read this blog is not. She knows I am smoking and drinking but she doesn't know much about my love life--I want to keep it that way. Everyone who follows this blog knows that I am guilty of many things.

I am not against her getting a Facebook and Blogspot account. Like I said, she knows I have vices. It's just that I find it weird to have her in my list of friends. She'll know what quizzes I took and she'll find out that I am a fan of Cuddling. Gademit!

Moving on, we just went out for another Guam adventure: shopping at Ross. Hehe! I did not find anything worth the price. Everything was so last year's trend.

It was not much of an adventure. Trips to Ross is something that we do everytime we go to the States. I will definitely miss Ukay-ukay once I move here. Argh! Talk about 3rd world advantages.

---

Things to do when I get back from Guam:

(1.) I am thinking of applying as a photographer in travel magazine companies. I will make another portfolio for that, only this time in Flash or Dreamweaver. Gotta learn how to use one. Gotta have dad's old laptop fixed... or better yet, gotta ask dad to buy me an Alienware since he hasn't gotten me a graduation gift yet.

I just showed him the model I wanted. He was quiet. Probably trying to figure out his next financial strategy or trying to come up with better words to tell me that he will never buy me something like that.

(2.) Furnish the new apartment. Since we are a family of designers, we are not going to buy pieces of furniture. We will design our own and have them made. It's cheaper that way.

I am so excited.

Guamwham

2009-05-31T22:18:00.005+08:00

I was reading Screwtape Letters a few minutes ago while waiting for my turn to use mom's laptop.

I have plenty of updates to publish. School-work transition was not boring a phase after all. Waiting for a phone call from Campaigns and being visited by friends everyday was a good way to spend summer. Plus, Deo and I moved to a bigger unit. We missed 1017 dearly.

I have been wanting to blog about those but I don't think I could make one now since I am in Guam right now. We've been touring every now and then, trying to see if this is a good place to live in. We just found out that the place has cheaper cost of living compared to Hawaii and Mainland US and now they're considering to live here in three years.

As for me, I will find a job in the Philippines. If I don't, then I'll move to Mainland. Guam looks like Subic, I tell you. I don't think they have the kind of job that I want.

Aftershock

2009-05-13T04:38:00.004+08:00

Walk any path in destiny's garden and you will be forced to choose, not once but many times. The path fork and divide with each step you take through destiny's garden, you make a choice, and every choice determines future paths.

-Sandman

---

It wouldn't be easier if you were nicer to me. We were really meant to be apart, no matter how good or bad our ending was going to be. That's what I realized about one's niceness--it must not be trusted.

I saw plenty of things that reminded me of you. How's that going to make "coping" any easier for me?

A few days ago, I went downstairs when someone from 7th floor came in to the elevator who's back happened to look just like yours. Same hair. Same posture. Same height. I almost thought that you were there for someone else from the same building. Crazy me. I trust that you will not go so far in hurting me like that.

There will never be enough remedy and happiness in this world if I'd continue to relate those things I see, hear, smell or touch with you. I chose to comfort myself by staying out of your sight, yet having to study in the same school and having some friends in common made it hard for me to forget you.

Our houses are relatively near. The chances of riding the same jeep or bumping into each other are big. Coincidence is just a term for those who couldn't compute big number of odds. Therefore, I should not be surprised if I saw you randomly somewhere in this vicinity.

My friend told me that my world is getting smaller and smaller. There is nothing bad I did that made me the least/most wanted person in a certain place. In fact, I am starting to hate it when guys hit on me. Do I look like an easy target? Do I look like a slut? Was that the reason why we dated? I hope not.

I miss you.

Internet is Back

2009-05-09T16:40:00.005+08:00

Summer doesn't feel like summer at all. It's raining and I am quite busy building My Future. Aivan, who happens to be the only person in my social scene this summer, would stay here at my house after summer class. We would sit, talk and smoke cigarettes. No more drinking for me. He he! I finally got rid off alcoholism.

You see, school is the only reason why I drink. My college is just a few meters away from Sarah's. Who could blame me?

Anyway, back to My Future. DSL modem was not very considerate to me for the past days. After years of service, it finally gave up on me while I was trying to finish my Portfolio Version 2.0. Great. Good thing though, I was able to finish it on time despite the absence of internet connection, thanks to this magazine I found in Fullybooked called Computer Arts. It featured many many godlike graphic artists and Photoshop tutorials and it came with a DVD of brushes (must have brushes!) and soft copy of the works of them designers. Don't ask me about the price. What's important is that I was inspired to work.

I invested much for Portfolio Version 2.0. I did what my panelist told me to but I am not sure if he is impressed or if he has seen it yet. I wonder what his plans are. I suddenly felt restless the moment I handed my portfolio to the receptionist.

Anyway, here's the copy of cover and some of its contents, in case you're curious of what it looks like.

One day I was young and carefree, the next day I was transformed. I had to convince myself that I should not be pressuring myself too much about getting the job and that (knock on wood) I should not feel bad if I didn't get accepted since I did not really planned for to apply for that company in the first place--they, or perhaps some higher force, planned for this. He he!

It was quite flattering to know that someone from the same company that rejected me saw my potential but mind you, the pressure of proving them more was just way worse than thesis. This is the real world we're talking about. The only time I was excited about it was when he scheduled for an interview.

Tipay told me that our one-on-one conversations became more serious compared to her conversations with Julia. It wouldn't be surprising if we're going to talk about marriage and offsprings a few years from now, assuming that I'll meet the someone. Assuming could sometimes be a prophetic act. Ha ha!

Speaking of prophetic act, Aivan and I went to Ukay Ukay last week where we found edgy (they had to be or else it wouldn't be Bernice) blazers perfect for my, ehem, future job. I bought 2, as a prophetic act.

Oh my! I am starting to mature. My choice of clothes are way different now. I don't wear my chucks and t-shirts and I don't use my backpacks anymore. What's weirder is that I'm going to be a proxy for ninang (which was supposedly my mom) for a friend who's getting married this June. Ninang is for adults and being a proxy is, in my opinion, just as good as being the real one. Oh my! Oh my! Ha ha ha ha! This means I will be signing more legal papers.

Stuck at home making a portfolio during summer, changing wardrobe, wearing lipstick, proxy ninang... what's next?

On a lighter note, Talula, Petunia, Ursula and Sonya will reunite this May 16. Yehey! I, Sonya, could not wait to see them again. We will watch Ursula's belly dancing recital in UP. It has been a while since we last sat down for a drink.

(from left to right)Petunia, Ursula, Talula and Sonya. This picture was taken last year at Sefali's after Ursula and Talula's Thesis Defense Part 1.
I miss their company.

Now, I hate to admit this but I just finished watching Gossip Girl's 1st season. Tomorrow, I'll be packing up my stuff and will start throwing away my old clothes coz my brother and I are scheduled to move to 608 two weeks from now.

I have plenty of things to look forward to. Sometimes, being busy is fun.

Level Up

2009-04-29T03:27:00.007+08:00

My ideal self has been nagging me to work on my Portfolio Version 2.0, get a real job and earn real money instead of figuring out different strategies of earning money in Facebook Games.

That's the thing about computer games. It simulates real life problems that one needs to solve. It gives the player more control over the character. It offers a world where people could do what they couldn't in real life, i.e killing, stealing, earning millions of cash, driving expensive cars, building a dream house... I could go on but I think I made my point. What more could an unemployed fresh grad ask for?Giving commands to a certain character, making him do the work and getting credits for just being the brain sound a lot easier.

On leveling up, I knew that life after graduation was never easy but I did not realize that it's going to pressure me this much until now. I wish I could earn grands in one sitting like in Restaurant City. Ha ha! The second interview gave me more things to think about but then I thought that this is a chance of a life time. I prayed for this. Ergo, I must work my ass off starting tomorrow.

Oh dear. This feels like thesis part 3, the first interview being the "part 2". Wish me luck.

Right...

2009-04-22T02:59:00.004+08:00

I got another text from my panelist (who is hopefully my boss in the future), asking if I'm through with my portfolio. I was like, NO *insert all excuses imaginable to prove that I was not slacking here*. My friend, who was also interviewed, hasn't started with hers. So there. I feel safe now. Ha ha!

My mom's brother's wife's mother's sister (in short, we're not biologically related) died a few days ago. We were not that close but I lived in their house for a while so my relatives and I went to her wake last Sunday and alas, Ate Ina was there. She flew all the way from Britain to go to the wake. I have not seen her since summer last year.

We had dinner together a few hours ago, then we'll have another dinner (this time with mom, yehey!) on Saturday after graduation. Raaawr!

Horaaay for free dinners!

---

I've been imagining how my life is going to be like months from now. The opportunities that came along my way were too good to be ignored. Everything fell into places and all I gotta do is move.

When it rains, it pours. This time it floods. It's a mixture of luck and struggles, I must say.

How do I thank Thee?

Circles

2009-04-17T11:43:00.003+08:00

The interview went well blah blah... Now I'm just waiting for another interview with the big boss. My panelist told me that he'll call me after a week but honestly, I don't feel like working anymore. Maybe I was just too excited. You know me, I am not a go-getter. I am just lucky.

Seriously. If everyone in my batch made an advertising campaign for thesis, then I'll probably at the bottom three. I was too lazy doing school stuff that I don't think I could not own this achievement.

I got a three in PI 100 and it felt like I got a one (*note that in my college 1 is the perfect score and 3 is a cliff hanger).

Anywaaaay, I recently gave my number to random people who asked for it in Drews and I was so drunk that I typed them wrong. One guy got the right number so I met up with him and his friends again last night. They were really really nice, in a kiddy way. We talked about pretty much everything, from cars to poker to family stuff. Didn't run out of topic. Chill kung chill. Very "tropa".

Still, I felt like I missed a spot (or a person and the whole point of moving on) when I was cleaning my mess up. Forgetting someone was never easy.

Taking a Break

2009-04-12T04:44:00.003+08:00

And so I thought everything is done after thesis. I was wrong about that. Geez!

I've been digging through my files and found some of my old works which I am currently not proud of but they might just help me get the job I am applying for. Take note that I still haven't got any clue about what particular job that was going to be. The panelist who phoned me a week ago didn't mention a particular position, he just asked me if I am wanted to work in C&G.

Oh well! Whatever that job is, I'm sure it's going to be related to my major. It could either be a copywriter, layout artist or art director.

I'm day away from the interview with no mental picture of a layout or concept for portfolio in mind. All I've been dieting and working out all Holy Week in preparation of The Hawaii Trip. I promised myself that this time I am not going to inhale for 10 seconds to fake a flat stomach for the picture. I also wanted to look good in a corporate outfit, in case my panelist decided to accept me. If he rejects me, well, at least I still have a flat stomach. It is still something to be proud of. Ha ha!

I have a long way to go. My stomach, apart from being fat, has a swarm of butterflies flying like bees in it. It's like thesis once again, only this time it's much much more serious. I think I'm taking it too seriously. Believe it or not, at this rate, I am pretty serious. Cramming a portfolio of 5 years worth of artworks in a day IS SERIOUS BUSINESS to me. Ha ha! Don't even bother to ask me about the outcome.

This interview means a lot to me. Getting a call from the panelist, like I said, was unexpected since I did not get that best thesis award. Plus, none of them from the ad agencies accepted me for OJT last summer. I ended up planning my future without having them/damn in mind.

I am crossing my fingers. Thesis, once again. I never thought that I'll see my panelist for the second time. Hopefully, our Monday rendevouz at his big time office is not going to be the last one.

---

Today is Mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mommy!

2009-04-09T00:06:00.002+08:00

I got a 1.5 for thesis but alas! I have not started with my elective's take home exam so the prof gave me an INC (stands for incomplete).

---

The Campaigns and Grey Guy texted me yesterday to ask if I am free on Monday for the interview. He told me to bring my CV and portfolio.

So there. More things to do. I need to write an essay for my elective class, make a CV and portfolio this Holy Week. Good Lord, help me.

I need to write something in my moleskine too. I haven't touched it for weeks now. Relying too much on mental notes and filling it with gossips and whatnots defeated its purpose.

Holy Week

2009-04-07T02:17:00.003+08:00

I grew up eating meat during Holy Week because God and mom knew that I was not pious enough to abstain myself from meat and vices.

Anyway...

College and the drama are about to end a few weeks from now. I have one requirement left for my elective class, a class which I hardly participated in because the prof does not seem to mind whenever Tipay and I would pass notes--notes as in writen gossips/whatever personal issues down in my moleskine because talking in class is disrespectful. Ngek. Ha ha! I had to bury my moleskine somewhere in my room just for that or tear the pages if I could, but that will ruin the structural integrity of the planner.

On the second thought, I think I'd rather tear the pages and burn them (I could not think of any other way of disposing them) than seeing someone reading its scandalous content.

Back to my elective's essay. My professor's final essay is easy. He just wanted to know how much we've learned and how modern art theories apply to us as artists. The problem is that I hardly listened to his discussions.

It's pretty ironic that I know only little (compared to my professor's stock knowledge) about art history and theories. GAAAAD! I am an artist. I took up several units of art classes. The lessons were generally the same in every class yet none of them were retained.

Yesteray was the last day of our thesis exhibit. My relatives were there. Yehey for that! I was not able to distribute my calling cards so I just gave some of them to my friends. You know, just in case.

---

After a month of sleepless nights working on thesis and emo-ing over failed attempts of getting a decent relationship, I think it's about time to turn to my superficial side.

My wardrobe has not been update for the longest time. Some of my old clothes lost the Bernice character in them so I went to Ukay Ukay today to buy hippie dress and summer clothes. You know us girls, our self-esteem and self-worth rely heavily on hair, make up and outfits. And weight. Speaking of which, I finally have time to work out. Yehey!

Brighter than Sunshine

2009-04-03T02:40:00.009+08:00

When things are the gloomiest, God holds us the closest.

I saw ex-Jerk Date with a date. He said hi to my friends and ignored me. I did not know what to feel that I just acted as if nothing really happened. The next thing I knew, I was crying inside my friend's car when we were on our way to SM North for our thesis exhibit set up.

I had enough. It was so stupid of me to try to replace his presence with memories just to ease out the pain. I had all the answers in my head all. Good memories could be too comforting and yet blinding at the same time. Bad memories, however, gave me valid reasons to let go.

The exhibit's preparation kept me sane. My friends were there trying to cheer me up as we worked our ass off.

It was going to end up that way anyway. It's not like I was caught off guard. I don't think that it would be a lot easier for me if it happened some other time in the future.

So what's my move?

Nothing.

I have been doing a lot of thinking after my mind recovered from the state of shock. I reminded myself about how he treated me. He was a jerk through and through. He made me feel useless as if he only needed me for sex. Ergo, I should not feel sad now that he's gone. See?

From painful words to cold shoulders when we were still in good terms (take note, that was our "good terms"), I endured much thinking that it was the only way to work things out since he hated it whenever I point out those things he did that upset me. He left me when I finally confronted him. It's not that I was expecting him to be nice to me but I was hoping he'd understand me eventually, which was stupid coz he never really tried in the first place.

Moving on is a process. With slight hang ups, I think I am more than half way through. What's important now is that it has ended and that I don't have to worry about anything other than my thesis paper, graduation, the dress and...

CAMPAIGNS AND GREY GAVE ME A CALL!

In case you haven't heard of that company, Campaigns and Grey is a multi-national advertising agency that handles big accounts like Proctor and Gamble, Ginebra San Miguel and Mazda to name a few. One of our panelists last Saturday is from Campaigns and he actually liked my work that he called me to ask if I wanted to work for them. I was like HELL YEAH!!! I heard that he only called 2 students from the advertising category during our thesis defense, me and another batchmate. :)

God is great ALL THE TIME! He knows when to cheer you up.

I could not stop raving about it during the exhibit. Just when I thought that I was going to bum after graduation! Ha ha ha! I still couldn't believe it. This was something that I did not expect at all! None of the big advertising companies accepted me when I was applying for OJT. Plus, compared to the others who presented their thesis, I wasn't really the best one.

But then, who cares about Best Thesis?
Who cares about bitter pasts?
Campaigns and Grey gave me a call!

Good things happen when you least expected. Good things made my sadness fade along with the past episode's ending credits. Good things! Good things! And more good things! I welcome you with open arms!

I will do my best to nail that job interview and be part of the world's best advertising agencies. :)

So for this post, Imma singin':

Everything's Gonna be Alright
Bob Marley

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

That'll be a pefect soundtrack for this moment. :)

Come people!

2009-03-31T16:27:00.006+08:00

---

Today is my favorite uncle Jan's birthday. He passed away 15 years ago. I miss him dearly.

This day, last year, also happens to be my first date with Jerk Guy. See how time went so fast? It has been exactly a year now. Part of me still misses me, part of me hates him, part me is still shocked with what happened but generally, I feel happy that it ended. I had enough time to think things over and with this thesis thing going on, I realized that it wasn't such a big loss after all. I had my own share of mistakes but that should not give him a reason to treat me that way. God knows what I have been through.

I don't feel vengeful. Not a bit.

Indelible Inc.

2009-03-31T06:00:00.002+08:00

Thesis Deliberation Day wasn't far from my typical school days. I barely slept, went to school with my materials and presented my thesis. The panelists pointed out few flaws but generally loved it and thought that I did an amazing job. :)

School has not officially ended yet. I still need to finish my thesis paper and an elective class' take home exam but at least, I am certain now that I am going to graduate this April. A few more days and I will bum and oversleep without feeling guilty. I could stay in my bat cave for as long as I want without worrying how many absences I still have so I wouldn't be dropped out of the class.

I should be making calling cards and resumes. The real world awaits. What sort of surprises does destiny have for me now? I have a long long way to go but hadn't really have a clear view of the future.

My batchmates flooded my inbox with group messages which makes me want to leave our batch '09 yahoo groups. They had plans for the exhibit and as a college repeater, I didn't feel like getting myself involved. It's too much task. Thesis wasn't that much of a burden. If we're going to talk about stress, I've been through worse. Remember that semester when I passed only 1 out of 3 subjects? To make things even more horrible for me, my brother and I missed our plane to Indonesia. Imagine what I had to do just to redeem myself.

It has been 5 years of ups and downs. I could not believe how quick that five years was. Generally, I'd say that it was the best years I had while I was in school. It was a phase full of crazy crazy crazy adventures with friends from different circles; a phase full of firsts, learning experiences and lasting memories. Some worth remembering, some are not but I'll be digging them up in the future nonetheless. It was only in college when Deo and I became really really close, that we share secrets and whatnots. I love college.

I will be an addition to the country's unemployment rate in a week or two, which for a few months, in my opinion, should not cause me to lower myself esteem and feel incapable.

In the other news, I am going to Indonesia and US this vacation. Spider sense mucho dinero for the new graduate. I want be treated like a royalty before becoming a corporate slave. Ha ha!

P.S

March 31 also happens to be my favorite uncle Jan's birthday. I remember him teaching me how to draw a house when I was a kid. Deo and I used to call him Papa Jan because he was more like a dad to us than our real dad when we were younger since dad was always out of the country. Papa Jan used to play with us and treat us with Jolibee. He taught us how to use a tirador and even made us one.

Apart from my parents, Papa Jan was one of those who told me that I drew well. I got my artistic talent from my Dad's side (or perhaps that was something that they made me believed in so I'd feel motivated). Dad is a furniture designer while Papa Jan used to work in J.W Thompson and McCann Ericson. Those are two big advertising agencies. So yeah, advertising is in the blood! I wonder how it would be like if he's still here with us now.

Anyway...

Fifteen years ago, when we (except for Dad) were still living in Jakarta, Mom went home and told us that she needed to go to Philippines to visit Papa Jan since he was very ill. She came back after a week with pasalubong from our relatives who also went to visit Papa Jan all the way from the States. While opening the boxes of toys, my mom told us that our favorite tito had passed away. It was one of the saddest days of our childhood. I guess I'll never forget that.

Happy Birthday Papa Jan! Deo and I miss you so much. :)

god mode

2009-03-28T00:45:00.000+08:00

I'll be the third one to present thesis tomorrow and I find it weird that I do not feel nervous at all. Probably because I'm so used to that feeling of being judged that I don't care anymore. It shouldn't bother me now.

---

What does not kill makes you stronger (100x and smarter too!), and you hated me for being that kind of person when we both know that you're the reason why. So please... :P

2009-03-24T18:32:00.000+08:00

Glen Hansard - Lies Lyrics

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies

You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies

You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you'd slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

So plant the thought and watch it grow
Wind it up and let it go

---

So this is how it feels like to be stuck in an infinit loop...

Here I go again. Trying to keep up with the worlds pace. Much has changed. People went about their normal lives. The world evolves and revolves. Time flies so swiftly that it almost felt like I was only half awake all these years.

I will blog again soon after I finish my thesis.

For This Graduation,

2009-03-24T06:05:00.000+08:00

I want to buy a new dress. I want an Alienware, a telephoto lens for my baby Beelzebub and a tour in Southeast Asia.

I want a job. I want to earn. I want to study Interior Design in Indonesia. I want to spend time with my family.

I also want to stay here in the Philippines and hangout with my friends. I want to do stuff that we were not able to do when we were all busy with thesis.

I want to date like I never dated before. Love like I never did. After-graduation would be a perfect timing. I will not have to worry about going to school the next day. I will not have to worry about papers and deadlines. I will not feel guilty with spending too much time with someone. I will not have to say no. Unless... Ha ha ha!

I will not have to worry about how time flies.

But right now, I want to make sure that I graduate first. Ha ha ha! I am not going to sleep until I finish all these requirements. God, please don't let me get sick.

It feels like I should eat my favorite food in the morning of thesis deliberation day. It feels like I should be well-dressed for this occassion. It feels like I am not going to live after that. Like I am in a death row or something.

Laugh coz I am trying to be funny. With thesis infection inside my head, I am having a hard time in delivering a punch line. It is as if I should be serious until it's done.

I only need to do some minor revisions with my design. Haaaay!

I can't believe that it has been 5 years already. 2 boring ones, while the rest are kuh-razy.

Ha ha! Shoot me. Now na. I am delusional. How could someone who's about to enter the real world would feel so liberated?

There you go. I think you finally got what I meant.

Oh, irony.

2009-03-15T00:54:00.000+08:00

There hasn't been any progress with my thesis since last last week but I wasn't that much of a bum either. I was more of just a muscle to those people who did most of the talking and working. Ha ha! Errands and homeworks aren't that much of an accomplishment for me. Doing them doesn't feel like moving at all.

It seemed to me as if noone is that busy with thesis in my circle of friends. Some of us felt like we were dead meat long before the second semester started while some never cared at all. We still drink, nonetheless. I am amazed by how we still find time to enjoy.

Clearly, we were in denial.

There hasn't been much going on with my love life in the 3d world. Everything happens in my imagination. All the sweet things in life sometimes could only be existing in one's head. Memories in high definition. Those things that could have had happened. Fantasies. They ironically made pain easier to handle for me. They are consolations that had convinced me that it was not that bad after all... or couldn't have been that bad. Whatever. It's not like I am losing my sanity. Happy thoughts are comforting. They gave me reason to live, move on and look forward to something new.

I miss him a lot. I wonder how he's doing. My mental picture of him is starting to fade so basically, I replaced him with a refined version of him. Ha ha!

I deleted him in my phone and YM contacts so I won't drunk dial or something. It pains me to see him online knowing that I'll never get to talk to him. I guess it was just right to do that. It's not like I have decreased the chances of us getting back together. There was never really a chance even when we were in good terms. Ayaw pa kasi mag-invisible sa akin, nagtakip na ng mukha at lahat. Hehe!

Again, this is one of those blog entry of him that I couldn't end properly. What does that imply? I don't know. Maybe I never really wanted it to end. It hasn't ended. Yet.

Faster Than the Wave of Light

2009-03-09T03:35:00.000+08:00

If only I could erase some thoughts or put them in quarantine before they spread in my brain like cancer...

Fears and insecurities have been distracting me from my priorities.

It seemed to me as if time has been moving faster than the wave of light. I realized yesterday that Jerk Boy and I haven't been talking for more than a month. Although I still couldn't get rid of him in my head, I think that I have been coping quite well enough to be considered strong.

I daydreamed that he'd come back with a surprise. We'd talk about pretty much everything that we needed to settle nice and easy then be good friends, if not lovers again. That would bring me so much peace.

But then again, I'll have to remind myself that peace is not something that one could ask for just like that but perhaps, in our case, it is something that could be agreed upon in silence. I could not think of a better way to end it than to shut up and pretend that I didn't care at all while I die in pain inside.

It doesn't hurt to fantasize once in a while. It helped me escape from those moments when I miss him the most. At least he's present in dreamland.

They say time heals. If time has been moving faster than the wave of light then perhaps my wounds will be healed any time soon. Talk about relativity.

Pictures

2009-03-07T01:25:00.000+08:00

This meme is so cool. Sinagutan ko pa rin kahit wala naman nag-tag sa akin. :P

1. a picture of you in your room.

2. a picture with someone you don't really like.
Why would I want that someone's face in my blog?

3. a picture of you very drunk.

4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.

Jan K and Bernice's joint birthday celebration last year, I think. This picture could also be a picture of me very drunk. Ha ha!

5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.

High school. Told you I was skinny! Wala kasing scanner.

6. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.

7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.

Blow fish fail. I have plenty of goofy shots but I think this one's the goofiest.

8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.

I am skilled in photoshop, hah! I had to adjust the brightness and contrast to emphasize/hide certain areas and remove my zits with healing brush. This is not bad, I tell you. I have worse pictures that I had to delete them after seeing them in my camera's preview.

9. a picture of a night you regret.

Don't get me wrong. I did not regret the night when Bitoy and Wynna came to my house. Being with them was never regretful. I should have made them stay instead of making them leave early coz my ex-jerkdate was coming over. We shouldn't have been reunited. I should have kept myself from falling in love with him AGAIN. Decisions decisions decisions!

Also, I regret the fact that I wore a bikini beside a sexy babe. My "stomach in" didn't fool my friends.

10. a picture of you being truly yourself.

Hah!

11. the most recent picture of you.

Bawal pumikit pag nag-flash.

12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.

The beer labels on eyebrows made facial expressions more profound. See? Like I said, I have plenty of pictures of goofy-self but this is just beyond goofy. I guess I was never the type who'd post only the glamorous ones.

13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.

Taken 2 years ago. I changed my look for the first time in 8 years.

14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.

Incubus concert was the best concert ever! It was the highlight of March 2008. I was there all by myself but I didn't feel lonely. Not a bit! Brandon Boyd was there for me. I was there for him. It's a mutual thing, you know. :)

15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.

It was sad to have no real date for Valentines but I did not spend alone the day either. Rona, Deo, Friends and I went to a cheap KTV. I was singing "Adrienne" by The Calling. It's one of the many songs that I have mastered in videoke and it perfectly described what I felt that night.

I survived the Lonely Heart's Day/Singles' Awareness Day. Belat!

16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy.
I don't think I have one.

17. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.

I forgot to wear a belt. My shorts kept on falling so I would fix it every now and then and it was caught on cam.

18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.

19. a picture of you with someone you love.

I love them. :)

20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.

Just because I smoke doesn't mean I am bad. Some people failed to see that.

21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.

22. a picture of a time when everything was changing.

More of "had changed".

23. a picture that makes your heart hurt.

I took this picture when we were drinking at his house with his friend.

I didn't realize that I was actually keeping a picture of him for months in my old camera phone until I bought a new one. I scanned through the files in my old phone's memory card before transferring it to my new phone and found this.

24. a picture that makes your heart smile.

This picture sums up all the experiences, lessons and achievements in both academic and social aspects of my college years. Despite all the the trials and failures, I remained strong and dignified.

25. A picture of one of the best days/nights of your life.
At gun point, that would be my date with ex-jerkdate. I had a really good time with him. I have never been so in love with someone. I seriuosly think that knowing him was not regretful. I let some things happen and was not able to deal with it the right way which apparently led us to end up like this.

2009-02-27T06:38:00.001+08:00

What can't be cured must be endured.

Ugh.

Yes yes! The show.

2009-02-16T00:07:00.001+08:00

Negative results are still results.
-Big Bang Theory

---

Since my recent blogs are mostly about lost love, here are some side stories and segues.

1. 3 weeks ago ( I think), I got a friend request from a member of one of my favorite local band. He added me because we have the same surname and thought that maybe we were distant relatives. And oh, we have some common friends. Mabuhay mga Beltran!

2. Someone found my long lost Moleskine in AS. I thought I left in a cab on my way to San Juan for a talk that I was going to facilitate. I shall quote something from Harry Potter 5 for that:

Harry Potter: How come you're not at the feast?
Luna Lovegood: I've lost all my possessions. Apparently people have been hiding them.
Harry Potter: That's awful!
Luna Lovegood: Oh, it's all good fun. But as this is the last night, I really do need them back.
Harry Potter: Do you want any help finding them?
Luna Lovegood: I'm sorry about your godfather, Harry.
[clasps his hand comfortingly]
Harry Potter: Are you sure you don't want any help looking?
Luna Lovegood: That's all right. Anyway, my mum always said things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end.
[they look up and see a pair of her shoes hanging from the ceiling arch]
Luna Lovegood: If not always in the way we expect.

Aaaaw...

3. I watched Slumdog Millionaire and was really moved by it. Jamal Malik (Dev Patel) reminds me of my ex-loser date. So what? Magkamukha lang sila, hindi magka-ugali. The Jamal Malik character is way too far from spoiled brat jerk-o while Dev Patel in real life, judging by the interviews and press cons I found online, is very humble.

4. Sabi sa akin ng PI 100 prof ko "very good" daw ako for interpreting an old poem written by someone during Rizal's time. Finally! I thought I'll never had a chance to share something substantial in class recitations since I had been having trouble in keeping up with the class who had probably taken up Kasaysayan subjects before. Hindi kasi ako nag-Kas 1 before.

Nakaka-adik mag-recite. Alam niyo ba yun?

5. I watch sitcoms whenever I feel lonely. Lately, I have been watching Big Bang Theory. Sayang kasi 15 episodes lang, tapos parang ang ikli ng kwento. 2 seasons pa lang kaya nakakabitin. Ang cute nila! Nakakatuwa kasi hindi siya malayo sa reality. I am not a geek but I can relate with them.

6. I am looking forward to CAM's Pelikulart. It's going to be my first exhibit. Yehey!

7. Friends! Friends! Friends! Can't imagine life without them! Usually, I get about 3-4 invitations on a Friday night coz I am popular like that (loko lang). Ergo, I should not feel lonely and single. Hah!

8. Last but not the least, Family. My brother kept me sane. I love him. Sana andito sila mommy with me. I could have been happier.

:D

I love how the world helps me recover from such tragic nonsense-ness. It has its own way of making me feel good.

The world is lovely as it is.

Happy Birthday!

2009-02-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

*sigh

Isn't it sad when you remember someone's birthday like your own but you couldn't greet him because you are not in good terms or at least in cold talking terms?

Last year, at 12 midnight, I texted you Happy Birthday. You replied around 8am and these were your exact words: Salamat bernice. Buo na araw ko. I was happier than you, birthday boy. Never in my life have I made someone so happy on the day that meant so much for him. Perhaps you were the first one.

You were my first in almost everything. You made me older (and wiser) in love years. Our stupid little thing could have lasted longer(?) if it wasn't for our series of misunderstandings. We could have gone to the next level and changed our Friendster status to "in a relationship". We could have made a good couple. I was sure that we both wanted that, only on different times. Neither of us kept with each other's pace.

Alright. So your penny for my thoughts, as always. People have been asking me about how I have been after That. I never really had a straight answer for this. My thoughts would go back to our pre-dating period. And sometimes, it would travel further back to the time when we first kissed... to the living room, to the cab (it was raining and you were holding an umbrella with one hand while the other's wrapped around my shoulders when we were waiting for it to come), to the moment when we first held hands in Janero, to our slow dance, to our first hi-hello-yes-I-know-you-you're-my-Natsci2-classmate, to the that day where you handed me a blood drive flyer in AS Lobby. I bet you didn't know that that was the time when my infatuation began. I made the first move through Aaron. My good memories with you were vivid.

You see, I couldn't answer that question without having those memories in mind. If I were to cut everything short, it would ironically be as simple as "I don't want to care. I just can't help but give a damn." It was a love(on my part and I guess some level of attraction on his)-hate-betrayal relationship.

To expound the betrayal part further, I seriously think that one need not to hate to betray someone and like I said, I haven't heard your version. Perhaps I have misjudged. It takes for a while for one to confess. Realization #1: it takes time for someone to be brave. Maybe you didn't betray me after all.

Realization #2: I need to remind myself of my old motto "I don't get what I want because I am better off without it."

Realization #3: Months or years from now, what you did to me would be probably something that I'd mention in future conversations "in passing". This wouldn't be the highlight of my life but I have learned much from this experience. I think I'd still remember you once in a while... in passing.

Realization #4: I'll quote Tipay, "wag mo na isipin kung ano iniisip niya, isipin mo kung ano iisipin mo." Well, she meant kung iisipin ko sa kung ano man ang mangyayari in case magkaroon ulet ng encounter tapos awkward. I love you Bebe!!!

Realization #5: Again, I'll quote from someone. Deo told me "I think he's just confused. It's okay to be confused. You're confused too, pero pumili ka ng taong ka-level mo ng confusion and yes, ka-wavelength."

Going back to your birthday, I still do have something to say. I wish you all the best. I wish that you would gain wisdom with your age and experiences, especially with me. People change each other and leave impressions. I hope that I turned you into a better person. If I made you worse, wala lang. Ano naman? That's your problem. You are your own judge. I hope that you'll find this and realize that I did not forget that today is your birthday. This might piss you off, but then again... eh ano naman? I bet you got the wrong impression of me and you never really gave me a chance to explain. Let's base everything on assumptions and call it quits.

Things will work their way out. I did my part. Let's leave the judgment to God. There's a bright future ahead of me and dwelling too much on you will just delay everything. I'm outta here!

---

To my friends who cared so much, thank you very much. :D I love you all!

Slumdog Millionaire Widget

2009-02-11T10:05:00.001+08:00

2009-02-10T20:49:00.000+08:00

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Folder

2009-02-09T03:25:00.000+08:00

Seeing you covering your face with a paper/folder rendered me speechless.

My thoughts won't keep me still. It was only yesterday that I started to feel used. I couldn't rationalize and articulate my feelings simply because there was nothing rational that had happened, thanks to you. I could go on, but I think you got my point.

You had literally no face to show. I know that you never considered me a friend but as someone who is more concerned than any of your friends, may I suggest manila paper? It is big enough to conceal your face and torso. Or better yet, don't cover yourself at all. If you feel uncomfortable with my presence and have no other way of escaping such awkward setting, you may simply ignore me. You could have saved yourself from the embarassment that way.

Or maybe, you thought that I was going to call you. Why would I do that? I still have feelings for you somehow, but what the hell? (or should I say, what the F? as in what the folder?) Writing something about you in my blog is a clear sign that I am not over... yet. But hey, I am good at social cues. I know when to say hi to friends or ignore idiots like you. It was so vain of you (assuming that you did it so I wouldn't recognize you) to even think that I was going to acknowledge your presence.

You made things worse. I seriously pity you for being so childish. If you were a professional jerk, you could have thought of something smarter, like talk to your friends or pretend that you were texting something.

YOU ARE THE WORST GUY IN THE HISTORY OF MANHOOD.

OH AYAN! You got what you want. I hope you're happy now.

2009-02-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

I see America has infused you with her optimism. But there is such thing as God's will.

-Kite Runner

All for PI 100

2009-01-30T07:15:00.000+08:00

So far, the bulk of my stress has been inclined more in PI 100. It is more stressful than my 3 other subjects COMBINED. Yes, that includes thesis.

Actually, it's not that hard. What made it stressful was that I needed to spend at least 4 days to work on a requirement and for me, it's too much.

Right now, I am cramming a 4 day worth of workload in less than half a day.

Okay, back to work. Sheeeesh!

Turn Sadness to Humor

2009-01-28T22:00:00.000+08:00

Maybe I am bitter. Or maybe I am just angry. Maybe I am vengeful but getting back at him is just too much effort. Maybe I still have feelings for him. Like my friends told me, moving on is a process. Everything that happened is still fresh. I am still hurt. I still think about him and sometimes, I do have this strange feeling that he might text me any time soon. But then again, what he did to me was enough.

Maybe he's not going to talk to me anymore. Maybe he will, someday. I will never know but I have this fear that I might fall for him again. There is an obvious pattern in our "relationship". Usually, I always end up getting hurt but I was just too kind and merciful that I'd forgive him even if he didn't ask for it. I am sick of that. But yeah, what if he comes back?

I prepared myself for this. Although him talking to me in is very very unlikely, I changed his name to "kupal ako" so I would be reminded of how badly I was treated and that I should never ever ever listen to a word that he says. Ever.

This is how it will appear in YM:

Let's just say that he would talk to me again. I just made this up but you get my point. He he!

I print screened and edited this one in Photoshop. It was quite an effort but I honestly felt genuine pleasure in doing it. Perhaps this is the furthest that I could go when it comes to vengeance. Really. Ha ha ha!

We could be friends in the future (as in after 3 years or so, depending on how he would behave) but that's it. Nothing more than that.

Bad Juju

2009-01-25T16:14:00.000+08:00

Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon.
-The Big Bang Theory

I was not talking about the theory, I was quoting a line from a show. Har har. I find pleasure in making people feel stupid because I'm mean like that. Joke lang.

Anyway, I was supposed to go to Mt Pinatubo with Rona and Anela. Notice that I used to phrase "was supposed to go" instead of "went" because obviously, we weren't able to go. Our "concerned" mothers refused to let us go. What kill joys! What's new?

I had to turn down 4 invitations so I could rest and gain some energy for that trip. Sinabi ko yan para isipin niyo cool pa rin ako kahit hindi ako pinayagan ng magulang. Ha ha! Joke lang.

It was partly my fault. I told my mom that I was going to Pinatubo with Rona, Anela and a bunch of photographers, which was true. I told her about it three hours before the trip and name-dropped my cousins thinking that she would allow me. She did. The problem was that my cousins didn't inform their mom that they were going to Pinatubo. Typically, my tita went mad and told my mom to not let me go because it was not safe to go to Pinatubo. So there, my mom took it back.

I was like what the F!. Even though it was a short notice, I thought that I should still tell her no matter what. It's a principle that I have been practicing ever since I had fieldtrips or out of towns with friends. It was one of the many ways to make my parents trust me, knowing that we live far from each other. I can't believe that after all these years of me being so honest to her, she still just wouldn't let me, which was ironic--I have been travelling AROUND THE WORLD ALONE ever since I was 13.

How old am I now?

21 and my mom thinks that I am STILL not old enough to go out on such trips; STILL not old enough to even DRIVE A CAR; STILL going through the same teenage issues; and STILL have trust issues with parents.

My mom made it clear that it was not about my age, it's about my safety. I do not know how much I could understand about what she was trying to say but I do think that age and safety are interrelated. You can't just go to the mall alone if you're only 5 years old, can you?

We are either too old or too young to do something, but right now, I think I am old enough and not to mention, mature enough to do the things that I want. I think that I am streetsmart. I think I am way ahead of my time. Perhaps this was the reason why I wouldn't go out of town when my parents told me that I shouldn't. My cousin and I were mourning about it last night, trying to comfort each other. She came to realize that "mas takot pa ako sa nanay ko kaysa mamatay". Ha ha! I feel for her.

So last night, Deo, Ysa, Jay, Rona and I went to Pizzeta in Teacher's Village to splurge on food sana. The food, to be exact, tasted like Casaa (a cafeteria in UP) food and was unreasonably expensive. In my opinion, Casaa food tasted even better. The serving, for that price, barely occupied my stomach. I honestly think that it was a blessing that they didn't have most of the food in their menu. We could have tried out the worse ones.

I ordered a salmon and tuna fettucini and according to the menu, it is served with French bread. Instead, I got tuna fettucini with no salmon and I suspect that the waiter had to run to Ministop to get a can of Century tuna and a slice bread for that. Yes, there was no French bread. The same thing happened with Deo, Ysa, Jay and Rona. Boo! We were unimpressed. We should have gone to Friuli's instead.

On the brighter side, we left as soon as we finished our food and went straight to Deo and Jay's favorite KTV place in Fairview. Vehm joined us. It was perhaps the only right thing that happened to me this weekend.

Today is Sunday. I chose to stay at home and channel all the negativity into blogging. I didn't want to go out coz I fear that I might attract more bad energies.

Of course, life wouldn't be like this forever. I stand firm with my principles and I am proud to say that I grew up to be the most honest and understanding person that I could ever be. I care about what my family and close friends think. I obey my parents and respect their decisions even if it would mean sacrificing my own desires. I realized that my happiness does not depend solely on achieving my personal goals and desires but my folks' (and everyone I know) as well. That's what keeps me going. I will keep my head up high no matter how bad my day was, or in this case, week.

2009-01-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

I was somewhere between relief and regret; between being angry and being hopeful; between reaching out and ignoring. No one treated me this way until he came into my life. He made me the happiest and the saddest person that I could ever be. Well, there's always a first time for everything. He was my first kiss. I was such a late bloomer--perhaps too adventurous yet never really prepared for anything.

We all have this ideoligies and unwritten rules of loving someone. I became too devious. I had been warned. Getting too close to him was worse than I thought. It was just unthinkable and undeniably the most painful one.

Mistakes do happen with a purpose, and that's to teach us a lesson that we refuse to learn. It's a bitter medicine to a heartache.

I am moving on.

2009-01-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago, I dreamt of my Lola telling us that she will go somewhere with my Lolo who died when I was two years old. I woke up feeling really worried and e-mailed mom right away. The last time I saw her was when my mom visited us here.

Perhaps I should go and see her one of these days.

2009-01-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

And just who am I to ask you such serious question?
Perhaps your fantasy.
Your wildest dream.
Or maybe just another person you've been trying to hide from someone.
Someone you will never take seriously for that matter.
Perhaps I wasn't stupid enough to pass such low standars you set.
Perhaps never smart enough to understand what you were trying to say.
I gave everything you asked for.
The time, the space, the pleasure, the shirt.
Blood and sweat.
Kisses that never really promised anything.
I was never enough.
Nothing seemed to have ended.
Answers never came.
A year passed.
We never really deserved celebratory dates.
I counted sheep, sand and dust while you swept everything under the rug.
You are beyond facial expression;
Beyond the tears crawling on my stoic face.

2009-01-18T05:38:00.000+08:00

Some people just don't understand the concept of friendship very well. They measure your credibility as a friend through your presence or something more shallow like attendance in parties. That's just so pathetic.

What? You're going to use this blog against me? That's another pathetic move. Get a burn book. Like now na.

You ignoring me felt more like a good riddance.

2009-01-18T00:43:00.000+08:00

"Uy, friend!"

By saying that my dear, consider me an enemy for disowning you. I hate it when people call me "friend" or "girl" instead of my name. It is annoying like bright jeans, elePANTS, People are People, Penshoppe, Embassy and its frequent costumers, Twilight and Jonas Brothers. Kadirdir!

Another week has gone and I still haven't done anything for my thesis. It sucks to be me. Ha ha!

I have added a few things in my New Year's resolution:

1. STRICTLY follow my New Year's resolution.
2. Watch more films.
3. Read more books--finish the whole book.
4. Save my money for travelling, lenses and ukay-ukay.
5. Clean my apartment every other day.
6. Be early for class, meetings, dates and whatnots.
7. Take more pictures.
8. Improve my HTML and CSS skills--this time, I am not going to view sources and pirate their codes. I will study hardcore. He he!
9. Party less, travel more!
*Most people drink on weekends, me and my friends do it the other way around. We drink on weekdays and rest on weekends because Sarah's is just walking distance from FA. So wrong!
10. I'm not much of a team player. Therefore, I must improve organizational skills.

---

I went out for a walk around Esteban Abada in Varsity Hills and looked for an apartment. I found one that is just perfect! The aparment looks modern, interior and exterior wise. It has 3 bedrooms, a maid's room, 2 car garage and a security guard for the compound. A little expensive but I swear it's going to be really worth it.
I texted mom right away. She told me to inquire about the terms of payment this Monday. Yipeee!

Watch this and be happy :D

2009-01-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

Break muna tayo...

2009-01-14T01:41:00.000+08:00

...from reading articles for PI 100. Harhar!

A while ago, I was concentrating hard on PI 100 stuff when I saw my brother smiling at me in my peripheral vision. I looked back at him and noticed that he was tipsy.

Me: Lasing ka na.
Deo: Ano? Masing?
Me: Oo, matsing ka na.
Deo: Gago!

Labo! Ha ha ha!

I lost my momentum. So here I am, blogging again. Everything I read since Deo distracted wasn't retained. Argh! Plus, I got hooked up with some stuff in the internet while googling for the meanings of unfamiliar words I just encountered while reading.
Oh my!

So here goes random stuff that happened today. Guess what adult problem that welcomed me to my first month of adulthood? My cheque bounced and I had to deposit all my SAVINGS, CHRISTMAS MONEY AND BIRTHDAY MONEY. I don't get it. I deposited enough money last before I left for Indonesia to avoid such catastrophy and I was sure that the amount I put in was enough. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. My mom was kind enough to comfort me by promising me that she's going to replace my money. I still feel awful. :(

That's it. I'm going to close that account after this fucking next post-dated cheque gets in. My head hurts like hell. It first happened when I was 19. Then it happened again and again and again and now I am traumatized. I don't want to open another checking account ANYMORE. I'm going to pay the owner of this apartment IN CASH starting February whether she likes it or not.

It's a good thing that my parents are planning to buy a house this April. Yes! We're moving out and I'm not going to have to worry about cheques and rents anymore since the monthly payment transaction thingy will all be in my mom's account. Ha ha!

Moving on, Tipay and I met up at AS this afternoon and had a late lunch at Long Island. I gave her my late Christmas present and she lovesssss it. :D We spent the whole afternoon catching up. Then we went to FA where we found Jay and Krista at Manang Babes'. Jay brought his cool new laptop. It is the most high tech laptop I've ever seen. It has a built in webcam and a software similar to Mac's Photobooth. Typically, we camwhored and made a music video using his awesome laptop's webcam which I'm going to upload soon! I still have to wait for Jay to upload the pictures and videos so I could post it here. You guys gotta see them!

On thesis. I still don't have anything in mind yet. We have a consultation tomorrow but I'm afraid that I'm going to ditch that if a miracle won't come upon me at least an hour before the class starts. God bless me and wish me luck.

Okay... Back to reading. This time, I will only use the internet when I need to consult answers.com. He he!

2009-01-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

The view from the airplane was breathtaking. More pictures in my multiply.

How how the Karabao

2009-01-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

I just wrote something last Friday about this guy who I have a thing with for the longest time. It almost felt like I have a boyfriend and I have been constantly reminding myself that we're not together.

Who knew that our thing is going to last this long? It hasn't ended. YET. It has been almost a year now. If we were together then we would probably be celebrating an anniversary some time this summer.

We met up last Thursday here at home. He got his Christmas present and opened it right away. FINALLY. The shirt was a little tight (that's for not replying to my text when I asked him his size) but it looked really good on him. He went back to school wearing it. :D

I haven't gotten anything from him yet. He said he got me two presents, as requested--I told him that since we weren't going to meet before I leave for Indonesia, he SHOULD give me 2 presents, one for Christmas and the other one for birthday. He wasn't able to bring them over because he came from school daw and told me that he'll probably just give them to me next week.

Last night, while partying at Louie's, he texted me around 9 and asked if I was drunk. WEIRD. I was perfectly sober at that particular moment. I was only tipsy around 2am and I was still able to take a cab and go home. It's a weird question to ask knowing that I didn't text him the whole time except when he asked if I had an extra memory card for PSP earlier that day.

Then more random questions followed that I finally asked him if he was drunk. Ha ha! Ang labo kasi eh. He suddenly had this weird concern with my laptop and DSL connection. What the hell?!

Maybe he was just striking a conversation.

Argh! What am I supposed to do with someone confuses me and completes me at the same time?

I could leave, yes. I think I have been waiting too long and the chase that was once a thrill has now turned into a mere guilty pleasure. But right now, I can't. My feelings are holding me back.

Honest self wants to stay, while ideal self wants to leave and get over it once and for all.

I don't know what he's thinking right now. I wish he'd say something about us so I could stop assuming.

Ladidadida

2009-01-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

My high school friend Louie threw a party last night. He came here to Manila for vacation and will fly back to US on the first week of Feb. I went there with my cousins Rona and Anela, both attended the same school--that's why we have some common friends. Everyone who attended the party got pasalubong from him! Suh-weeeet! I got a shirt, a bit bottle of lotion and some candies! Yipeee! He also bought me a DJ Myx--he told me that he remembered me smoking a pack the last time we met up four years ago. Aaaaw!

My cousins and I are planning to go to Mt. Pinatubo on the 24th and we're tagging Jason (Jay-sen daw sabi ni Louie, iba na talaga pag galing sa States!) along with us. I haven't spent my Christmas, Birthday money and my paycheck since I'm saving it for the lens, so I think I'll just save some from my allowance. Wow! I'm rich! Ha ha ha!

Today is rest day because the following days will be hell. I have exams on Thursday and I need to finish reading something for PI 100. Boy oh boy! I also need to start doing some research for my thesis.

I still think that my vacation wasn't enough. It feels like I'm not ready for school-and-running-mom's-errands routine. But hey! If I am not doing anything, I'd probably be complaining, too.

I'm starting to fill my Moleskine with lists of to-do's for the month. Ugh! Everything must be organized this year. No more absences and tardiness. I should use my time wisely and be a morning person. God, help me with this.

Finally

2009-01-09T19:47:00.000+08:00

Other than the two memes I answered, I haven't writen anything about how I've been during Christmas, New Year and my birthday. I told you, nothing has been really certain recently. I wrote something but it's still saved as a draft and I'm still not sure with how I am going to edit it.

It's hard to put an end to something, even if it was something that I was meaning to end for weeks now since I've last contemplated about it. Perhaps it's too early to decide. To be safe about everything, I have decided to not close my doors on anything. Sometimes, opportunities come to us in odd ways.

I spent my Christmas vacation bonding with my family that's why I didn't have much time updating this blog. The whole family would go out and try different restaurants every supper or visit some places that we haven't been in as a family. Surprisingly, my brother chose to join us rather than hang out with his old friends.

My sister Bea is taller than me now. She's really fat and in denial of it. Ha ha! My parents have been forcing her to go on a diet or exercise at least once a weak but she's just too stubborn.

Anyway, New Year came. We had Christmas leftovers for dinner and the pasta that Mom ended up cooking because she had a hard time waking me up. Geeez! New Year's Eve in Indonesia was quite unlike here in the Philippines. We didn't have wine because Indonesians don't make wines and for some weird reason, the government had stopped importing them. What the?

My parents threw a birthday party for me but since my friends in Indonesia had left the country and studied abroad, my parents' Pinoy friends came to substitute. Ha ha! None of them were really close to me but they got me some present. It wasn't that bad after all.

Dad had his friends cook lechon AND I WAS NOT ABLE TO GET THE BEST PARTS. I was running here and there trying to help mom and Deo distributing the plates and all. When I finally had the time to eat, all the good parts were gone and the skin was not crispy anymore. I felt really sad because it was my birthday and I'm supposed to be the one who's enjoying the lechon. It was a Lechong Bisaya, which is 100x better than Lechon Tagalog. You need Mang Tomas for Lechon Tagalog--you don't need Mang Tomas for Lechong Bisaya!!! It's that goooooood!

Okay enough about lechons.

Let's move on to my favorite topic: lurve life.

So, was there really love in it? I don't know.

I do believe that he's a nice person. He's good to everyone except with me. We would fight over both serious and silly things yet never really settled anything. He never asked for an apology. Rather, he would just text me again as if nothing happened while I would just ride along, forgive him silently and fight the urge to not bring up any of our arguments coz it will just make him mad. It sickens me.

I left Philippines feeling extremely pissed and distracted myself with shopping, family dinners and stuff like that. It worked but I felt that I needed to do something to settle everything when I get back. I contemplated long enough and realized that maybe I should give it a break. Not break break because we're not together, more like a I'm-not-going-to-be-the-one-to-start-the-conversation or a not-the-first-one-to-say-hi sort of attitude towards him. I didn't greet him during Christmas and New Year. Belat!

Eh ano naman kung Christmas? I know that Christmas is a time for forgiveness but why should I forgive someone who chose his pride and ego over my feelings? I always say sorry whenever I hurt him coz that's what my parents thought me when I was young. How come he can't do the same thing to me?

OH WELL PAPEL... You just can't force someone to raise his white flag, can you?

And so, I flew back home and didn't tell him about it. I missed him at some point but I was determined with my resolution.

After a couple of days, I got a text message from him. He came over to my house and hung out for a while but before that, we sort of had a long exchange of text messages--most of which were him telling me that he's not going to come because of whatever little shit about me that has been stopping him but deep inside he really wanted to come over and see me. Boo you! That's what I hate about Globe Unlimited Text service. It has been tolerating people's nonsense-ness. GAAAAD!

Okay... With that statement coming from me, I guess I was pretentious. Ha ha ha!

When he told me that he's not coming anymore, I told him that it was fine coz really, I know there's just no point of convincing him to come over. No means no. I took his word as it is. He told me that "he's not coming" for the second time and I just replied casually, "yes you said that already". Then he came. What?

I wasn't meaning to do some reverse psychology on him mainly because I thought that nothing works for him.

---
I guess this is all for now. I'll write some more about him tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone! Belated Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!

Meme-ing

2009-01-08T00:53:00.000+08:00

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Here are a few that I'd like to share: I finally had a real date. He he he! That's a progress in my love life. With the money I earned from my sidelines, I was able to had my belly pierced and watch Incubus' concert. Had backstage passes in UP fair thanks to my brother.

I had a few hidden agendas which aren't meant to be shared. :)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolution, and will you make more
for next year?
Same old same old... New Year's resolutions are easier said than done. I was hardly able to do any of it. Anyhoos, here's New Year's resoltion for Y2k9:
1. Don't be late for class/work/meeting/whatnots.
2. Spend money WISELY.
3. Easy on the alcohol and cigarettes.
4. STUDY STUDY STUDY!!! This is my last semester in college, for heaven's sake.
I should do better NOW.
5. Don't procrastinate.
6. Composure! Composure! Composure! Ha ha ha!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Ling, Maggie and my cousin Ate Mayi.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thank GOd, NO!

5. What countries did you visit?
U.S and Indonesia, as usual and a quick tour in Brunei.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Discipline, a job and a decent boyfriend or at least a decent special someone. He he!

7. What date from 2008 will remained etched upon your memory, and why?
2008 was perhaps the most adventurous one. Too much memories... some are
bad, some are worth remembering--all of which had taught me valuable lessons. I can't really tell an exact date that will remained etched upon my memory. Ha ha!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I was finally promoted to 4th year BFA.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Let's just put it this way, I didn't fail perse and even if I did, I made sure to have it fixed right away in any way I could. :D

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious... FYI: I haven't broken a bone since birth.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Marmaduke, the Holga CFN 120--I bought it with my own money. Yipeee!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Edward Cullen--for setting the standards. Ha ha! Joke lang. My family and friends who were always there for me no matter what.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone I know who's a total opposite of Edward Cullen.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, beer, cigarettes and clothes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Incubus concert and belly ring.

16. What song will always remind of you of 2008?
Baduy Pinoy versions of hip hop songs and David Cook's version of Always Be My Baby. Palagi kasing pinapatugtog sa radyo. Ha ha ha! :)

17. Compared to this time... last year, you're:
i. happier or sadder?
I experienced pretty much everything in the emotional spectrum.
ii. thinner or fatter?
My mom said I'm thinner.
iii. richer or poorer?
My dad is richer, therefore I'm richer too. Ha ha ha!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Study, come to classes ON TIME, finish reading the books I bought, exercise and proper diet.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking, smoking and procrastinating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent my Christmas with my family here in my parents' house.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes. Ha ha!

23. How many one-night stands?
Can't tell... Hindi mabilang. Joke lang. Ha ha ha!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Definitely NatGeo and Discovery. I also had fun watching cooking shows. I watch TV series on DVD. :D

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes, but it's more like love-hate. Hehe!

26. What was the best book you read?
Gospel According to Jesus

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tegan and Sara

28. What did you want and got?
Holga CFN 120, ukay ukay stuff that I swore to God I will never give them away.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder, Juno and Wall-E. I WAS NOT ABLE TO WATCH PINEAPPLE EXPRESS!!! FUCK!!!

31. What did you do on your birthday?
I turned 20 and celebrated my birthday twice.
Part 1: a dinner with my family in Indonesia.
Part 2: joint celebration with Jan K

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
There are a lot of shoulda-woulda-coulda's but what's done is done and I did what I had to do to fix everything. Some things are just way beyond my control and there's only little that I could do. Life hasn't been that kind to me but understanding and accepting the fact that things had to be that way (instead of "my way") helped me get through. I gained more than I lost. :D

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I guess I am more feminine now.

34. What kept you sane?
Family, friends, EKIS, schoolworks and a few sidelines.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brandon Boyd always and forever.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None, because I don't care.

37. Who did you miss?
I only see my family once or twice a year. I always miss them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmmmm... I met a lot of new people but I was hardly close to them.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Analyzing too much paralyzes me. Sometimes I need to know when to stop thinking about something too much because it's emotionally unhealthy. I realized that I could actually get by without dwelling in such stressful state. In short, take things lightly. Time flies and I must keep up with the pace. I think that, at some point, we must realize that some things are better left unresolved.

I have improved the art of weighing priorities as well.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
There's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

2008-12-16T01:57:00.001+08:00

I've done this before but since I changed my playlist, I thought I should do it again.

Instructions:
1.) Put your music player on shuffle
2.) Press forward for each question.
3.) Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1.) How am I feeling today?
Seize the Day-Avenged Sevenfold
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

2.) How will I feel getting married?
My Favorite Game-The Cardigans
And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus of me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

3.) What is my best friend's theme song?
I Miss You-Incubus
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

4.) Highschool is?
Army of Me-Bjork
You're on your own now
We won't save you
Your rescue-squad
is too exhausted

5.) I am...
The Beginning is the End is the Beginning-Smashing Pumpkins
...And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

6.) How is today?
Seven Nation Army-The White Stripes
Theyre gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And Im talking to myself at night
Because I cant forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette
And the message coming from my eyes
Says leave it alone

7.) What is in store for this week?
When You Were Young-The Killers
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

8.) What song best describes my parents?
Ex's and Oh's-Atreyu
You took me home,
I drank too much

9.) How is my life going?
Stars-Simply Red
The only thing I ever wanted
Was the feeling that you ain't faking
The only one you ever thought about
Wait a minute can't you see that I
I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
I, I feel you
I hope you comprehend

10.) What song will they play at my funeral?
High and Dry-Radiohead
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had

11.) Is this going to be a good year?
Under Pressure-David Bowie
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love give love give love?
Give love give love give love give love give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance

12.) What's your love life like?
La Vie Boheme-Rent Soundtrack
To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making something
Out of nothing, the need
To express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane,
Going mad

13.) What's your favorite?
Boring-The Pierces

14.) Best bored activity?
Kiss From A Rose-Seal
*This didn't answer the question. Ha ha!

15.) Favorite quote?
Every you, Every Me-Placebo
Sucker love I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind

16.) Song played in your wedding?
Dying in Your Arms-Trivium
*I don't want Trivium songs in my wedding.

17.) What is your boyfriend/girlfriend's theme song?
Smooth Operator-Sade
Face to face, each classic case.
We shadow box and double cross,
Yet need the chase.
A license to love, insurance to hold.
Melts all your memories and change into gold.
His eyes are like angels but his heart is cold.

18.) The song that best described your childhood days...
The Con-Tegan and Sara

19.) The song that keeps playing in your mind...
Oo-Up Dharma Down

20.) The song that will make me happy
Bye Bye Beautiful-Coheed and Cambria

2008-12-15T01:19:00.000+08:00

*Who was the last person you were under a blanket with?
- Ayaw ng blanket... pano ba yan?
.
*Has anyone ever told you that you have really pretty eyes?
- Of course :D
.
*Name something great that happened to you today?
- Secret muna, para ma-intriga kayo. haha!
.
*Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
- I don't remember but usually, I could still make my way out... crawling. Ha ha!
.
*Do you like your life as of now?
- Generally, life's not bad. :D
.
*When did you last cry?
- Yesterday. Wala lang. Crying is good for the emotional health.
.
*Do you drink coffee?
- Not so much lately.
.
*What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
- Trying to sleep.
.
*Does anyone call you babe?
- Once, baby kasi baduy siya. So technically, no.
.
*Who's car were you last in?
- Jay's super car with LCD inside. It was my first time to ride a car with an LCD! Hay promdi.
.
*Last thing you drank?
- H2o
.
*Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?
- I was planning to get one next year.
.
*What can't you wait for?
- Christmas presents from people.
.
*Are you good at giving directions?
- Yes, that happens to be a talent for me.
.
*Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
- Yes--sila mommy haha!
.
*Do you drink hot tea?
- Yep :D
.
*IS anyone on your bad side right now?
- ?
.
*What jewelry are you wearing ryt now?
- None
.
*Do you clean when you’re upset?
- Sometimes
.
*Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
- No
.
*Any plans for tonight?
- Sleep
.
*What did you do last night?
- Went to a christmas party and beat everyone in videoke.
.
*What was the last thing you ate?
- BBQ
.
*What are you wearing?
- Big big shirt.
.
*What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
- Washed my face, brush my teeth.
.
*Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?
- five star hotel. ayoko ng camping, malamok at walang matinong banyo.
.
*Have you ever had a surprise birthday party?
- Sadly, no.
.
*Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
- Yes.
.
*Do you talk to your pets?
- Walang pet eh.
.
*How's your heart lately?
- Corny.

2008-12-12T01:21:00.000+08:00

"For you, a thousand times over."

2008-12-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

Went to Eastwood to watch Twilight so I could relate to everyone who had seen it. More than half of the reviews in IMDb gave the movie thumbs down. My opinion, however, is different. He he!

The storyline went too fast. I have not read the book yet but by just watching the movie, I could tell that the screenplay writer deleted plenty of crucial parts/key elements from the book--Ciela was right. I know it's hard to compress a long story into a one and half hour film. The plot was somehow difficult to follow. I think that was the only reason why the movie did not please everyone, other than the scene where Edward Cullen exposed himself to the sunlight and sweat. His sweat looked like glitters which made him look gay. Ha ha! That was really weird. But like I said, I haven't read the book so I wouldn't get why he hated sweat. He's a vampire. He shouldn't be sweating coz he's dead. 'See what I mean? The key parts of the novel shouldn NOT be deleted when translating it into a movie.

All in all, I thought the movie was cute. Not great. If you are a hopeless romantic, you'd probably like it. For those who have not seen it, just get a DVD copy of it or download it in uTorrent. It's not a big screen material.

Anyway, I have not been visiting Starbucks for the longest time until last week. They have new baristas now and it's sad. The place felt so different like it's not my second home anymore. I want the old baristas back because they knew my name. They didn't need my name for the cup. They would smile and say hi to me whenever we bump into each other somewhere. We sort of have that special customer-barista connection. I miss them.

I'm not going for the Starbucks planner this year since I bought another moleskine for 2009. This time I'm not going to lose it. Ha ha!

2008-12-03T18:44:00.000+08:00

I was never preachy or opinionated when it comes to politics but GADEMIT, I never thought my lack of interest in that particular field could make me feel so low. What makes it worse is that I think my PI 100 prof sort of assumed that we all took up Kas 1 or Soc Sci 2 and knew everything about feudalism, capitalism, imperialism and history by heart. Argh! Of all the branches of social science! Nose bleed! It is such a shame knowing that I'm studying in UP. Take note, I'm on my fifth year now. FUCK IT.

Just this afternoon, the prof asked us to give examples of "dominant ideology" and apparently my answers were wrong, still I passed the paper for attendance. Apart from the examples he gave, I was not able to come up with sure answers. Ugh. I feel so dumb.

I hate that he remembered my name because I was late on the first day of classes. Ultimately, I hate the fact that everything he discussed seemed so new to me. I never felt this stupid in my entire college life. It frustrates me that I can't share anything in his lecture.

---

My neighbor is cooking something that smells really foul. I just lost my appetite for dinner. Is that a good thing?

---

Random stuff I've been wanting to say to random people who I rather not name... in random order. Geez... This shouldn't feed your ego.

1. I know you and I'm guessing that you don't know me. You've seen me somewhere though, that's for sure. Clue: we established an eye contact. Twice. Haha!

What a clue! Anyway... You might not know how significant you are to me. I have been checking you in Friendster for many reasons. Not that I'm attracted to you because err... that will never happen. I stalk you mainly because I saw your comment on someone's account a few months ago and it bothered me like hell.

I'm not mad at you. I'm just wondering who you are... and what's with the comment? I somewhat find it hard to trust that person. That person hardly talked to me about his past and your comment freaked me out.

Oh! If you found out that I'm stalking you, worry not. I will never harm you. Besides, I only stalk you online. It just so happened that I bumped into you somewhere.

2. Okay, so we have a dark little secret, which I think is no longer a secret. But that's it. I don't want anything to do with you.

3. You are just like number 2 but the only difference is I still wanted to see you. That was before. As in about two months ago. I haven't heard a word from you. I thought you were interesting. I really wanted to see you again but I think it's going to be really weird and awkward now. I mean, the last (which also happened to be the first) time we drank together along with the NFF's was awkward already but I didn't really cared that much.

I think I'm trying to be more careful right now.

I wonder if you still know my name. Or if I have hurt you in anyway. I wonder if you wanted to see me again. But yeah, I think hanging out with you is not a good idea, considering the circumstances. It's better this way.

3. You are just way out of my league and frankly, I think you're too cocky. I hate that. Our minds might have met but then you gave me bad vibes and I had a strong feeling that you'd only like me if I was as cool as you.

4. It always seemed like you're having PMS everyday. You have terrible mood swings which makes it hard for me to reach out to you. And yes, I think that you sort of took me for granted. We've hurt each other's feelings but as the author of this blog, I say the blame's on you. I hurt your feelings because I felt that there was a need to... I don't know what your reasons were. Joke lang! But seriously, whatever it is that we hate about each other... Can we just like work things out nice and easy?

Anyway, back to your PMS. I believe you'll change someday and I've been always hopeful about that. I'm not going to change you. You should change for yourself.

Still and all, I think you're an amazing person. Oh and I have a nickname for you: Ellen the Generous. Hahaha! *Note that this person is a guy... it's just that he's generous.

5. Earthquake is to city; (insert your name here) is to friendship. Get the logic? I don't understand why you need to do that. And worst of all, you took pride in it. I am unimpressed. You ruined enough, now stop that. Stop acting like a victim coz no one believes you.

6. Being with you never felt awkward despite the misunderstandings. No one will tear us apart, evil twin. NO ONE!!! I love you. And oh! Turn your bluetooth on.

7. Uni-mind and unicorns. We are soupheads. People will never get our jokes. I like you for being there all the time. Favoritism may sound bad, but you are my favorite friend. You're the only person I know whom I can borrow money from... like now na. Hahaha! Joke lang.

I could talk to you about pretty much everything and you never judged me in spite my wrong doings. It's like you're a priest or something, sans the sermon and the prayer after the confession.

8. You seemed so distant now. We used to be really close to each other and I miss that. Seeing you once in awhile feels good but I think it wasn't enough. I wish you could hang out with me and stay longer than 30 mins.

9. I never thought that you would be one of my closest friends now. I think this friendship of ours is some sort of a "twist" in my college life. I hope that this will go on and on!

10. No, you're not going to be the last person in the list. I might add more the next time I blog. For now, you're the last (but not the least). First of all, SORRY. And no, it's not okay. I wronged thee. One day we were close the next day we're not. I have never felt so guilty. It was never easy for me to forget that. I have never committed such crime before. I hope that by telling me everything is fine, you really meant it.

No Diet on Christmas

2008-11-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

Yuck Bernice!
You're so fat. So fatso fatso fatso!

----

And so, I had my hair done again a few weeks ago--this time with the undercut. My hair is naturally thick and fluffy that's why I think an undercut would be a cool solution to the problem. The plan is to grow my hair and maintain the undercut.

I just had my graduation picture taken this afternoon. I went for package 3--1 toga, 1 sablay and 1 either formal or creative shot. Formal is corny like prom so I chose creative shot and dressed up as Cleopatra. I spent the whole day with Tipay looking for materials for our costume yesterday. It took me about 3 hours, minus yosi breaks, to complete the ensemble (the headdress, the thing on the chest and the arm bracelets--since NONE of those in the mall fits my huge arms). My friends thought the accessories I made were nicely done. Little did they know, I was somewhat hesitant about wearing them since I sort of rushed them and I thought they looked weird. Krista lent me her lovely black dress. She has pretty much everything that an FA student needs.

The make-up artist was great. Everything in the shoot turned out the way I wanted... Well, almost. The photographer was weird. He wanted me to do some wacky poses after the series of serious ones. Duh! Cleopatra is not wacky. Period. One of the reasons why I chose to dress up as her is that she never smiled in the portraits. I seldomly smile in my photos mainly because I think I look better without the smile. I smiled in toga and sablay shots though--it's the typical yearbook look. Hahaha! The stereotypical Cleopatra is fierce and exotic--very very Victoria Sonya Valdez.

Anyway, Christmas is in the air. Few weeks ago, someone asked me to buy him a shirt. I was like... Okay, why not? It's Christmas. How many times do you encounter people who tell you exactly what they want for Christmas even if you did not ask them? Even if you did not have any plans of giving them christmas presents? Haha!

Just Kidding! We were talking over YM that time when he asked me to buy him a shirt. He told me that he got something for me already--I melted like cheese. I went to ukay ukay about two weeks ago to buy him a shirt and it took me about 3 hours trying to find something that would fit him. It was my first time to buy a christmas present for a special someone. I was thrilled with the whole new shopping experience. Haha!

Christmas has never been happier. I have a lot of things to look forward to.

Merry Christmas everyone!

-edited today, which is a Saturday-

P.S

My parents are planning to take us on a road trip around Java this Christmas. Horray for that! I miss them terribly.

P.P.S

PUTANGINAKINIKILIGPARINAKO! I can't stop wondering about what he bought me for Christmas. Last Wednesday, he asked me if we could meet up and so I asked him if six is fine since I promised Tipay to go to the mall and look for stuff for our creative shot. He told me that 6pm was too late (WTF!) and that we'll just probably have to see each other next week. I was like fine. Came Thursday, I met up with Tipay and Krista in Casaa to eat lunch and get second opinions on our plans for the pictorial. We were talking about him (or if "him" is reading this for some weird cosmic reason, then let's use the word "YOU"). We were talking about YOU. I was ranting about how I was pissed with your last text when suddenly Tipay squeaked "UY! SI *****!" And she was pointing at you. I wonder if you noticed that.

I turned my head to your direction and found you right away. You looked amazing like WHOA! I have never seen you dressed like that before. Can't you see??? We were so meant to see each other that day!

You said that you believe in destiny. Well, that's destiny for you. Hahaha! I'm just joking... which, we all know, is always half meant.

2008-11-27T01:52:00.001+08:00

In the wrong place at the wrong time,
I was the right person.

Sappy

2008-11-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

...Thanks to The Holiday. I saw it in HBO a while ago. Jude Law made me fall in love again.

Amanda: You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway... I'm thinking we should have sex... If you want.
Graham: Is that a trick question?

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
-Iris

-The Holiday

Oh yeah something from Before Sunrise. Another favorite...

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.
-Celine

Last na lang! From Before Sunset...

I kind of see this all love as this, escape for two people who don't know how to be alone. People always talk about how love is this totally unselfish, giving thing, but if you think about it, there's nothing more selfish.
-Jesse

2008-11-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

Last night, I watched Iron Chef America before I went to sleep. It was Iron Chef Batali vs. Carmelini--I actually remembered a non-Iron Chef's name. Batali won of course... but what made me scream and swoon the whole night was that he won only by 1 point. That was a close one! I was like, what the hell???

Anyway, I dropped by at Mercury Drugstore before going home just this afternoon to pick up some sleeping pills. Sleeping, to me, takes a lot of effort. I buy my way to it. So don't judge me for being a drug dependent, it's not like I'm taking V's. The pills I bought were over-the-counter. Enough said.

Before leaving the store, I tried out the coin-operated weighing scale and blood pressure thingy. It was my first time to use it and I felt really stupid standing on it. I inserted the coin. The recorded voice wasn't that audible and it kept on repeating the instructions over and over, telling me to press the green button, which I was not able to find right away. I didn't know that the green thing was a button. I thought it was a sticker but since it was the only green thing on the machine, I pressed it.

After all that, I finally got the results and went straight home before I see someone I know. Or before someone I know sees me. I don't want to be seen standing on the weight scale.

The results: the weighing scale here at home was right... I'm 48kg. The normal weight for my height (I'm not going to tell what my height is. Fuck you.) must be 40.5kg to 54.5kg. My BMI is 21.9kg. The normal BMI value is between 18.5 and 24.9. Therefore, I am still normal.

But here's the catch:

My body fat index is 25.8%
The normal fat index is between 18.5-24.9.
My fat mass (I think they should substitute the word FAT with something else, something less offensive) is 12.3kg, when it should only be between 7.3 to 11.3 kg.
My free fat mass is 35.7kg. The reference did not mention what's normal.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!

I couldn't find the definitions for body fat index, fat mass and free fat mass in Google but just by the sound of it, I think I really need to burn some calories and avoid food with too much cholesterol. The terms may be too technical for me. I'm not a nutritionist or anything like it but I do understand the meaning of fat.

And for that, I went to the grocery to buy Quaker Oats and sugar (I don't like the taste of Quaker Oats puro, hehe!). I need some proper diet and excercise. I need to be skinny in my grad pic! No alcohol for me starting now.

There goes my no alcohol vow again.

My dad asked me what I'd like to get for a gradutation gift. I have 3 things in mind right now and I'm still deciding which one to choose:

1. A truck. Well, not a truck truck. I meant Pick-up, in Pinoy terminology. It should run on diesel-- since it's cheaper (or probably the cheapest). Who says I love mother earth? Kidding. Or he could get me a hybrid car. I'll tell him about how much damage his furniture business did to the forests and that we could help mother earth by using a hybrid car instead of replacing the trees.
2. A trip around Asia (okay, not Indonesia) or if Dad's richer by the time I graduate, I'd love to go to EUROPE. I bet the whole family is going to join me. Haha!
3. Cash--the safest. Something to help me start with the clothing line me and my friends are planning... if they're still in with it.

---

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
-George Bernard Shaw

Some people are just too putting to much effort in finding their true selves. They would go deep in analyzing patterns, thoughts and idealisms. That's not a bad thing though. I'm amazed by their wisdom. But at some point I think they should realize that thinking too much will just paralyze them. I'm guilty of that but I recently have been trying to get rid of the habit (yes, it was a habit to me).

There is more too life than just analyzing.

Sa Purgatoryo

2008-11-20T01:04:00.000+08:00

a short story i made for my PI 100 class. we were supposed to make a creative analysis on the contemporary rizal stuff we brought last meeting. our prof made us exchange stuff we brought. i got rowen's.

i think he found it here

so here it goes:

6:32 ng umaga sa New York nang bawian ng buhay si Andy Warhol. Tulad ng mga ibang kaluluwang kakahiwalay lang sa kanilang mga patay na katawan, dumiresto ang kaluluwa ni Andy sa purgatoryo. Madilim ang paligid. Halos hindi na makita ni Andy ang kaniyang dinadaanan. Ang ilaw mula sa malayong pinto na halos kasing laki ng tuldok ang tanging ilaw na nagbibigay ng liwanag sa daan.

Hindi natatakot si Andy na baka madapa siya sa dilim. Kahit may nakaharang pa sa dinadaanan niya, tatagos lang siya. Mas natatakot pa siya sa kung saan siya patungo. “Ano ba yang pinto na yan? Pinto ng langit o pinto ng impyerno?” tanong ni Andy. Kinakabahan siya habang palapit na siya sa pintuan. Sa may pintuan, may nakita siyang silhouette ng isang maliit na mama na naka-amerikano.

Andy Warhol: San Pedro?
Jose Rizal: Hindi, ako si Jose Rizal.
Andy Warhol: San Jose Rizal?
Jose Rizal: Doktor… Doktor Jose Protasio Mercado y Alonso Realonda. Mas kilala ako bilang Doktor Jose Rizal. Kinailangan kong palitan pangalan ko… Mahabang kwento. Pwede mo akong tawaging Pepe. At wala ka sa langit. Nasa purgatoryo ka.
Andy Warhol: Ako naman si Andrew Warhola, mas kilala ako bilang Andy Warhol. Akala ko santo ka at nasa langit na ako.
Jose Rizal: (natawa) Paano mo naman nasabi?
Andy Warhol: Wala kang sungay.
Jose Rizal: Eh wala din naman akong halo.
Andy Warhol: Ahahahaha! Oo nga naman. Eh ano ka naman dito? Taga-bantay ng pinto ng purgatoryo? Eh bakit ka naging doktor?
Jose Rizal: Matagal na ako dito. Doktor kasi ako noong ako’y buhay pa. Nakatoka lang ako ngayong araw. Dito sa purgatoryo, salitan sa pagbantay ng pinto.
Andy Warhol: Artist ako, kani-kanina lang… Kaso hindi ko yata kinaya yung komplikasyon. Kaya heto…
Jose Rizal: Naging artist din ako.
Andy Warhol: Wow! Ang galing mo naman. Doktor na, artist pa!
Jose Rizal: Mas nakilala nga lang bilang pintor si Juan, ang aking kaibigan. Mamaya ipapakilala ko siya sa’yo.
Andy Warhol: Ano naman ang mga pinipinta mo? Mukhang hindi pa uso sa panahon niyo ang pop.
Jose Rizal: Mga portraits ng mga kaibigan ko. Teka… Pop?
Andy Warhol: Ako nagsimula ng pop art.
Jose Rizal: Ano yun?
Andy Warhol: Kapag nakita mo ang aking mga pininta at napanuod mo ang aking ginawang mga pelikula… Wala naman talaga silang malalim na ibigsabihin. Kung ano ang nakita mo, yun nay un. Ganun lang kababaw. Minsan, tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko kung ano
Jose Rizal: Wala ka bang nais i-parating sa mga bumibili ng iyong obra?
Andy Warhol: Wala. Pero ang nakakatawa niyan, madaming gagaya sa aking style. Ginawan ko nga ang ilan sa mga kaibigan ko na sikat. Sinadya kong gawin simple ang aking mga obra para madali lang i-mass produce. Gusto ko lahat ng tao ay maging artist. Kaya naman eh. Basta mahanap nila ang sarili nilang style. Gusto ko magkaroon ng pagkakataon ang lahat ng mga tao na sumikat, kahit sandali lang. Nakakatuwang isipin na kahit namatay ka na, tuloy pa rin ang ikot ng mundo—lahat ng pangyayari yun lang, wala ka na.
Jose Rizal: Hindi ba? Madami na tayong nagawa para sa kapwa. Kahit namatay ka na, hindi pa rin nila maiiwasan na pag-usapan ka. Pagdedebatihan… O minsan naman, binabatikos. Pag-aaralan ka nila. Pilit pa rin tayo iintindihin ng mga tao.
Andy Warhol: At dahil naging importante ka sa mga buhay nila, baka gawan ka pa nila ng monumento… Ihahalintulad ka nila sa mga ibang mga sumikat na yumao na.
Jose Rizal: Oo nga… tulad ng sinabi mo kanina, patuloy pa rin ang pag-ikot ng mundo kahit namatay ka na… patuloy pa rin ang pag-ikot ng mundo ng mga tao sa buhay mo.
Andy Warhol: tulad niyan… kahit wala na ako, alam kong mayroon at mayroon pa din gagaya ng aking style sa pag gawa ng portrait. Gagamitin pa nila yung style ko sa mga portraits nila. O sa pagpinta ng mukha ng iba… Sa makabagong mundo, hindi lang ang prinsipyo ng isang tao ang pinaniniwalaan nila. Pinaghahalo halo na nila ang mga konspepto o prinsipyo ng kung sinu-sino upang maka-buo ng panibago.

bitin, sabi ni tipay. i was not through writing. i came up with a lot of concepts to tackle but i thought that some of them were far out. the prof required us to write up to 100 and mine was obviously more than what he asked for so i just ended it that way. i'm planning to write more.

classes just started last week. this semester is going to be my last. enough said.

2008-11-20T00:27:00.000+08:00

Are you picky about who you give your number to?
-no, mainly because i don't see any point why i shouldn't.
.
Last place you watched a movie and with who?
-trinoma, alone.
.
If your friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
-not sure. depende sa reason. :D
.
If you had no television and no computer over the summer, how would you occupy your time?
-read books. hang out with friends. go somewhere.
.
Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with?
-it hasn't ended yet. he's the first. i hate him sometimes but i don't hate him as of today.
.
What do all your saved texts say?
-mostly, people ask where i am/was.
.
Who has texted you today?
-tipay, sir dj and a guy i refuse to name.
.
What does your 5th text message in the inbox of your phone say?
-sa room t3 tayo magmimeet-sir dj.
.
What are you looking forward to?
-christmas at my parents' house.
.
Do you fall for people easily??
-i guess not.
.
Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around??
-i'm always completely myself. i'm too honest.
.
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with J?
-jards. hahaha! joke lang.
.
Ever kissed under water?
-no. i'd like to try that though.
.
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes??
-no. i smoke a lot, why should that matter?
.
Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
-yep... but torpe days are gone.
.
What do the majority of people in your life call you?
-bernice.
.
When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings??
-this morning.
.
Have you heard a song that reminds you of anyone today?
-no.
.
What did your last text say?
-ah.
.
What were you doing at 12:12 last night??
-doing my homework.
.
What is something you're currently frustrated about??
-nothing. i had accepted the fact that there are stuff that are just way beyond my control.
.
Where is your number two person on your friends list?
-i don't really want to check my friendster right now. it's boring.
.
Do you have any friends that you've known for 10years?
-yes.
.
Have you been to New York City??
-yes.
.
What are your plans for 2day??
-sleep.
.
Is there one person who can make you feel better no matter what??
-not one but many... in their own little ways. sometimes they don't realize that.
.
What color is your phone???
-silver and black.
.
Do you wear the seat belt in the car?
-yes. for safety reasons.
.
Do you like to text or call more??
-i only use my phone when i need to, unless...
.
Where was your last long road trip to?
-ugh... that's something that i have not experienced for about a year now...
.
Who did you last talk to on the phone???
-tipay--we went to school together.
.
Are you good friends with them??
-them who?
.
Who did you sleep with last night??
-alone. duh
.
Are you happy right now?
-as always. :D
.
What was the first thing you did when you woke up this morning??
-wiwi.
.
Are any of your friends taller than you?
-fuck you.
.
Are looks important??
-honestly, yes. haha!
.
Would you tell someone you loved them, even if you didn't feel it?
-i love everyone... all in different levels.
.
Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth??
-i don't think he'd want to know. haha

2008-11-18T20:37:00.000+08:00

now...

some people just don't understand character.

2008-11-18T03:09:00.000+08:00

the original was incredible. it was one of my all time favorite. annie lennox's and gail anne dorsey's were equally mind blowing. i'm loving the song more and more.

DAVID BOWIE IS BEYOND WORDS!

Under Pressure
David Bowie and Queen

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

Bah bah bah bah bah bah
Bah bah bah bah bah bah

That's o-kay!
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher
Pressure on people
People on streets

Do do do bah bah bah bah
O-kay
Chippin' around
Kick my brains round the floor
These are the days
It never rains but it pours
People on streets
People on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!
Pray tomorrow takes me higher higher higher
Pressure on people
People on streets
Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn
Why why why?
Love love love love

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love give love give love?
Give love give love give love give love give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure pressure

2008-11-15T00:27:00.000+08:00

An artist is someone who produces things that people don't need to have but that he, for some reason, thinks it would be a good idea to give them.
-Andy Warhol

2008-11-02T22:42:00.001+08:00

looks like we're going to have to answer each other's prayers.

my mind is all over the place

2008-10-23T18:51:00.000+08:00

i need to write everything down before i forget them.

oh guess what? i have no sem break. the rest of the weeks before enrollment will be devoted for researching, reading, interviewing and more writing. but then, life on my side of the world will never monotonous and boring.

i learned more than what my oh so brilliant school could offer. i realized that the world was neither too small nor too big for me. neither am i too big or too small for the world. the trick on how to pull everything off is to not measure how big or small your problem is or how big or small, smart or dumb you are for the challenge you're faced with. it's mostly a matter of believing that you can.

---

just because i'm different, doesn't mean your normal. rather, you are "conventional" and boring, you sell-out bitch.

2008-10-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

it was hard for me to articulate what i feel. my irrational fears caused by irrational doings. it was perhaps irrational to even think about you and even more irrational to fall for you.

nothing paralyzes me more than analyzing. it is perhaps the reason why nothing sensible would seem to happen outside my mind. in the 3d world, everyone i touch is warm and you are the only person who's cold. touching you froze me in time.

seeing each other. blurring lines. fighting. moving on. back to start. life is indeed a cycle but strangely, nothing seemed to matter when we're together.

2008-10-11T01:55:00.000+08:00

thesis deliberation went well. the panelists just told me to do some minor revisions but then...

i still have anthropology papers, electric, telephone and cable bills, bank transactions and exams. no matter how hard i tried to study for ge1, nothing in the readings was absorbed. darn it. all i wanted is to pass all my subjects and graduate. why can't these profs just let me go?

2008-10-05T14:40:00.000+08:00

today is sabbath day, therefore it's a rest day.

i still have:
-~~marketing presentation~~
-~~marketing exam~~ oh god! i hope i got all my answers right.
-~~a mock deliberation tomorrow~~
-~~an exam on ge1 on tuesday~~
-~~a thesis proposal deliberation on wednesday~~
-~~3 anthro papers due on the 13th.~~
-final thesis proposal draft on the 17-20. which reminds me, i need an editor for this one since after exhausting my brain over research and reaction papers, i could no longer detect grammatical error and i have basically ran out of words.

*i'm not going to blog unless i've accomplished everything that i've mentioned above.

2 more hell weeks before semester break. my friends are planning to go out of town this semester break but knowing that my mom will never approve of this no matter what, i'm guessing that i would be spending my vacation here in quezon city. oh well.

moving on, graduation is only months away (funny i assumed). i'm planning to work somewhere near--as in one tricycle away from my house. working in makati or ortigas is a financial suicide. so is owning a car.

---

perhaps this is going to be my last crs.

---

short term plans:

1.buy:
.another moleskine
.fuji 120mm film for marmaduke
2.jog (ULOL)
3.have my dslr and lomo shots printed for portfolio
4.make a logo for b-setting
5.make a new design for calling cards and portfolio
6.no rice after 6--i need to be skinny for graduation pictorials.

2008-10-05T01:06:00.000+08:00

"My Favourite Game"
the cardigans

I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure
You rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus of me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
I've tried but you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

tea time, taking my time

2008-09-29T01:13:00.001+08:00

i am procrastinating AGAIN. i need to finish a lot of things but my mind is scattered all over the place. somewhere in dreamland, it is trying to reminisce the past, think about the future and forget about the present. i shouldn't be blogging right now but i was thinking that maybe, just maybe, my mind might function well if i don't force it to work. besides, the pre-delibs is still on friday. wasting a few minutes on idle occupations wouldn't do me harm, would it?

this too shall pass.

---

color me with red. color me with love. ladidadida...

a few days away from pre-delibs

2008-09-28T22:10:00.000+08:00

i am an inch closer to someone new.
if this is 1 inch:_, then i still have to go this far: __________________________________________________________________.

---

CAM's 10th anniversary! more pictures here.

---

september is as eventful as august.
more updates after thesis.

oh so busy (?)

2008-09-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

it's not like anyone would bother to even read this blog but for those who do, if there's any, sorry for the late update. i know it's hard for all of you guys to imagine that i am actually busy and somewhat panicking over my thesis proposal. he he!

i've been working on my thesis, ~~marketing presentation~~, thesis, anthropology paperS (emphasize on S, the prof required us to make a minimum of five for pre-colonial culture and 20 for ethnography) and thesis for the past weeks. those are just the paper works. i still have an exam on marketing class next week and on ge1 next next week.

my semester break will start on october 20 which means, i am not going to indonesia. sigh. guess i will just have to look at the brighter side of things again. there are a lot of things to look forward to. tipay, julia and i are planning to go to sagada and commune with nature. in case my parents disapprove, i will ask my friends to babysit me while deo is not around. sweet. :D

perhaps sem break is not going to be lonely after all.

so there.

---

excuse me for being sappy but imma posting a song for someone i have not seen since we first met.

I miss you
-incubus

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

*uck, man.

2008-09-16T02:18:00.000+08:00

there is an increasing number of insomnia cases among teenagers, especially on college students and it is all because of the professors like you. look at what you did to our lifestyle. students like me should be sleeping by now so we could wake up early for class tomorrow. it's past bedtime and everyone is still working on your not-so-important paper.

---

thesis defense is on the 8th of october and i have only finished about 30% of my thesis proposal, outline included. my thesis adviser actually liked my new proposal (yes, i changed my proposal for like the nth time, just last week) and was even excited about it. he said it was best fuckin' proposal ever. hahaha! alright, i made that up.

lately, i am having a good balance of academic life (passing grades, progress in thesis), social life (boys included this time... not that i am being one of the boys again, you know what i mean), sidelines (enough to sustain my fashion needs), bad lifestyle (still smoking and drinking) and healthy lifestyle (healthy choice of food, rice only once a day). a lot of people think that i am getting skinnier but honestly, it is something that i still cannot see or at least feel.

honestly, i don't feel like having a boyfriend right now. not with the choices that i have. well, i like someone new. he is by far the most interesting one among his kind and i have not seen him ever since the first time we met. 'got his number from my friend (we were not able to exchange number, either he didn't really wanted to or he forgot about it) and tried to text him once, but he did not replied (so there, he probably didn't wanted to). surprisingly, i didn't feel bad about it at all. it's either i am used to being ignored or i don't care as much as i did before. i was like so?

i am amazed by how i took things so lightly nowadays. i wonder why.

from aivan

2008-09-15T20:38:00.000+08:00

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
- i guess... i'm planning to quit. unless...
Were you happy when you woke up today?
- not happy, not sad either.
Honestly, do you like anybody?
- yes.
What are you listening to right now?
- electric fan, rotating.
Last night you felt?
- somewhere between busy and chill
Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
- mom--perhaps the only person who has enough credits to call me. the only one who cares enough.
If your being extremely quiet what's it mean?
- haven't been extremely quiet, but if that's the case, it's probably because i'm thinking about something... really really deep.
What was the last thing you ate?
- shomai. which reminds me, i haven't eaten lunch and dinner yet.
Why did you wake up this morning?
- i had to go to school.
Who were the last people you ate with?
- i ate my shomai alone
Where are you right now?
- home
Are you alone?
- yes.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
- the nth chance! yes, i do believe so. we all need chances, don't we?
Have you deleted anyone on your friends list?
- yes. mainly because i don't know them personally.
When you cry does anybody know?
- i cry alone. i prefer to not show off my emotions.
Whats bothering you?
- things that are not worth bothering.
Weirdest thing you've done lately.
- nothing weird.
Do you ever wish you could just disappear to save yourself from pain?
- sometimes, but i always end up facing them.
Where do you want to go at this moment?
- all signs point to the future which leads to nowhere.
Are you ok?
- i guess so. i am always ok.

2008-09-08T16:37:00.000+08:00

obligatory camwhore session. look at what krista did to my eye brows. it's fierce. haha!

2008-09-06T01:59:00.001+08:00

what am i gonna do when they come for me?
bad boys bad boys...

where did all the good ones go?

come all ye faithful

2008-09-01T21:42:00.000+08:00

---

you are beyond words.
we might not meet again in person but i know our minds will.

2008-09-01T01:45:00.000+08:00

flu virus spread through my system. one nostril is clogged and the other oozes mucus. i breathe through my mouth now. my head wanted to split open and my tummy has too much gas in it.

i wanted to take a rest but there's just so much stuff to do. first week of the first ber month is full like i don't have time to drink, which is good. i don't wanna drink anymore. now is a perfect time to change my lifestyle. my health condition dictates me to do so.

i'm going to visit bilibid prison this wednesday for my thesis and on friday, i'll be teaching basic photography in a school in san juan.

overfatigue

2008-08-31T03:17:00.000+08:00

this is how i felt for the past weeks.

there were few sucky days but august was generally a happy month which made it hard for me to recap and write everything here. i never thought that i could still have fun and sneak in some sidelines in spite of the very busy sched. my alumni friends (or should i say my original batch mates?) told me to not compromise my social life when working on thesis.

friday night, after school shit...

we went to music museum and watched deo's gig along with sino sikat and other bands.

kat from sino sikat is H-A-W-T!

cathexis.

the out of body special. two of the members were not in the picture... my lens ain't wide enough. sheesh!

after that, rona and i went to tender bob's and splurged. yep, php 175 a meal is a splurge for commoners like us and mind you, it's one of the cheapest we found in the menu.

jay and deo followed.

saturday was work day. domeng, aivan and i covered a civil wedding in TOSH, libis. we were supposed to go eheads concert but then this thing happened:

aivan: sa ccp yung eheads.
domeng: hindi sa araneta yun.
aivan: sa ccp
me: ah ganun ba. akala ko sa fort... or picc ba yun? ano ba picc?
aivan: ccp.
me: ah ok...

so we went to ccp and found nothing. should have listened to my gut feeling and insisted that it was in fort instead. but oh well. after a long trip to ccp, a friend of aivan called and confirmed that eheads concert was in fort. even if it was too late... even after receiving a text message from a friend that ely was rushed to a hospital for having an asthma, we pushed through with our plans. nothing's gonna spoil our night, not even ely's condition which caused them to stop the show. the day was tiring and we needed a break.

aivan and i sat at the back of the truck on our way to fort because it was hot inside and we wanted to be cool. hehe!

we took turns in camwhoring. it is a fun way to relax.

2008-08-28T12:14:00.000+08:00